Childhood memories of swings, dragon shaped playgrounds, sand domes, jungle gyms… all gone because of “progress”. It’s just sad that the younger generation won’t be able to experiences what we did during our childhood. Then again, the new generation are more into malls, aircon and iPhones.

It’s just sad seeing your past get demolished as if it didn’t even have an impact onto your life. 
Once, there was this playground nearby my house. It had sand, slides, swings and monkey bars. I use to hang around there to relax and clear my mind. But now, the sand, monkey bar and swings are gone. It’s just a playground bent on helping the kids exercise instead of having actual fun. 

I just wish that I captured those memories on film when I had the chance….. damn.   

I haven't been blogging in a while. Mainly because there is nothing to blog about.
Everyday is pretty much the same. Wake up...go to school...go home... sleep.

I do that. I'd worry about something and I'd picture the worst case scenario... let's just say it's not good.
Like how I worry about Blake getting an epileptic attack...gosh D: 

So many people think that I'd only want to go overseas for university so i could get closer to Blake. But that's not true, there's so many other reasons to it.
One if it, is to escape my parents. I was reminded of this reason earlier on when we were in the car. We were on our way home from a movie called, The Dark Knight Rises. And my mom asked if we'd like to head home instead of going to Macs. My brother said, " Anything" but i said, " yea."
My mom didn't hear me as i saw her looking towards my direction, so i just nodded and said yea again, assuming that she saw and heard me. I was wrong... And she asked a third time. This time I said yes a little louder. Again she didn't hear me over the sound of music in the car.
So my dad had to intervene and shout,"HOY! Answer the question and don't be rude by not answering it!"
So I laughed to myself and just calmly said," I said yes 3 times. " Then I got reprimanded the whole journey home about being rude.

So it's my fault for them not hearing what i said? My mom wants to slap me for something i didn't do. Just bloody hell do it.
She says she's been tolerating me for such a long time, well my gosh. There's something we have in common. I've been tolerating her for a LONG time as well.
Why do you think I want to go overseas for Uni? Why do you think I have soo many dreams about moving out of THIS house?
My mother doesn't know how many times she's made me cry, and she doesn't have to know. The name calling, the critiques, the tone she talks to me in, the way where she hears but never listens and the accusations that she believes is true.

Fine. I'm "rude". But she can't tell me that she didn't raise me to be this way. YOU WERE AT WORK MOST OF MY LIFE. The maids know me better than my own blood related mother. My mom has to find out things about me via my maid.

You know my personality, mom. BUT you don't know how i'm feeling. There isn't any more diaries that i write nor blogs that I let you know of. Why do i do that?
Because you would reprimand me about my thoughts and feelings. The main point of a blog or diary is to write personal feelings in it. As a way to release ugly emotions. But no. I stopped that at the age of 7. I had no way of releasing all these bad and ugly emotions. I kept it all in and now.... Now i don't know how to keep it all in.
I'm angry, I'm hurt and I just want to break down and cry in front if my parents and just tell them how I feel but I can't. I can't. I just can't!
They won't understand....
They never understand.....

They think that studying overseas is a dream? To me, it's possible and it's my only escape.

Solitude

Here in my solitude I shall remain, 

For outside these walls is too much pain, 

The pain I feel is still the same in here, 

But it's easier to conceal when others are near. 

I do have friends that I keep close by, 

but only a few has seen me cry. 

Very few knows how I feel inside

Happiness, Joy are feeling that have died. 

Here, in solitude I shall remain, 

Far away from things that bring me pain.

Drowning these emotions and hiding my fear,

but in all honesty, I've always wanted you near. 

I stumbled upon his old tumblr account. 
Though it’s full of grammatical error and has a lack of punctuation, I still managed to understand what he’s trying to say. 

Stumbling upon that, it just made me realize how lonely he truly is… and how ‘in love’ he was with Lisa. 
How alone he feels and how much he fears that. Nobody likes solitude, even if he enjoys the quiet. I wish I could just sit by him. Two of us just enjoying each other’s company without saying a word. *sigh* if only eh?

I wish I can see, or even share, his pain. So at least he wouldn’t be going through this alone. Ever since he moved, he doesn’t have many people to talk to since he’s “in the middle of nowhere” and is so far from the city or civilization. 

Honestly, I’m sort of lonely as well.  
Having this pain inside that no one could see, because I mask it with a smile. Oh gosh, the amount of pain a smile could cover up. The thing is, I don’t know how to express that pain, I don’t know how to properly take it out of my system and be happy with my life.

Manipulation

Here is what i have been up to! Photomanipulation effects:

Attempt 1

Attempt 2

Attempt 3

Attempt 4

Well, I haven't been blogging much.
There were so much going through my head that I didn't know how to put it in words. The longer I went without letting my thoughts out in some way, the more confused I gotten.
Heck, I almost broke up with Blake a couple of times even though I want him to be by my side. I don't know why I called it. I guess it's from listening to what others say, and how much they doubt that we would work out or from the pain long distance brings. Pain because of the lack of communication and to me, in a relationship; any relationship. Communication is key. 

Yesterday, I was about to end everything with Blake. Obviously, Blake didn't want a break up so he asked me a couple of questions. 

1) Are you sure you want to do this?
2) What are your doubts and who/what brought them up?

3) The first time I met you, you were as stubborn as a rock and as hard headed as ever. You never listened to what others have to say, so why start now?

It kind of annoys me that he was speaking so slowly and calmly while we were talking. But then again, when he speaks like it, it somehow calms me down. He loves to talk like that whenever I get worked up, pissed off, upset and ect..

I've also asked him some things, things like " You do know that you're not really putting this last chance to good use?" and " You're not really proving that you're worth it to me..if you hadn't noticed." and "Do you realize that you're not even showing me that you deserve my trust back?"

It shocked me when he said, " Mainly that's because, I DON'T deserve it. Not at all, not after what I did."

But we worked things out...i guess... :/ 

I just have to STOP listening to what others say and just believe in myself, and that this relationship will work. Both of us will make it work in one way or another. 

I'm getting sick and tired of school. OKAY, perhaps it's not the school. Perhaps it's the people.
I just really don't feel like I fit into the class.
I'm afraid that people would find me annoying or whatever. However, if I keep up the way I am at the moment, well... I wouldn't even have many friends in the school.

I'm debating if I should make the best of a bad situation or if I should just waste a year to transfer to a new course that more suited for me.
But I have to think hard for this because I'm doing well for Programming ( which is a big part of IT.) Maybe IT is my true calling and not Art.

*sigh* So much doubt. So much fear of the future..
I MUST choose wisely.

thoughts

I've pretty much planned out my whole life. Though things don't go according to how I planned it, but still.
I mean, I didn't plan on getting in to Changkat Primary or Bedok Town Secondary or Republic Poly... But at least I managed to get into Primary, Secondary and Collage.
You know what I mean?...

When I was younger, I would only plan to graduate to poly/secondary. I've never really planned out on WHICH institute I would enter into. It's like...If I manage to get into a school then I'm happy because at least I'm moving forward.
Now, I'm thinking about advancing to University. I know it may be too early to plan for it but I want to have a target to aim for while I'm in Poly.
So far I've aimed for NUS or NTU. That requires me to have a GPA of 4.0 ( Which is VERY difficult. Not Impossible but difficult. )

Worst case scenario, Plan B would be going to Australia to continue my studies. I'll try to enter in Australian National University ( Canberra), University of Melbourne, University of Queensland or University of Western Australia (Perth).

It's not that it's a bad thing, moving to Aus. But it's just called a "worst case" because I really really don't want to give up my lifestyle in Singapore. I'm too used to it... I mean, I've been living in Singapore for 12 years, moving to a completely new place is scary. Even though I have friends in Aus; Tory, Blake, Cody, Jaska, Darrille ( YFC ), Monicarea ( YFC), Christine, Trent, Makenzie ( alright she's not really a friend. Blake's sister), Kara and a few more, it's still really really scary to move there. Even though some part of me wants to move to Australia so that I'll be able to hold Blake, I still rather not. Long Distance is really killing me man... I hate it.
No parents, No friends( THAT I KNOW WELL). It's like starting to live all over again...this time, on your OWN.  

But most likely, the latter would occur. Unless I study SUPER SUPER hard...which I hope I'll be able to maintain for another 3 years in Poly. *fingers crossed*

Argh!

Hey guys, this was me a few moments ago...
I was bored so I thought about continuing my studies after Poly.
I got depressed as I search through the Local Universities and finding out a back up plan IF I couldn't enter them.
I'd go to Australia. UQ. University of  Queensland. HOWEVER, school fees are outrageous. They are around AUD$30 000 for 2 semesters. And there are 6 semesters there. SO it's very expensive.
That doesn't involve the lodging, food and everything else okay!?

SO i was searching about the subsidies and scholarships in UQ. I even asked Trent, Blake's cousin that studies in UQ, about the school, method of paying and the courses of the school.

Actually, I was only going through the alternatives because I've somewhat lost hope of ever continuing my studies. I'm not a smart person, nor am I talented so I don't know where I'd be able to go when I venture into the real world. In school, I've been slacking off lately...I've actually gotten a D. A D! OMG HOW TO MAINTAIN MY GRADE NOW D:
In the end, I helped motivated myself to reach my target of a GPA of 4.0 because
1) I don't want to go to AUS and give up my pampered life
2) It's majorly expensive compared to Singapore. Also, I won't know if the course is recognizable.
3) It's too early to plan for Uni.

LAte post

HEY! I haven't been blogging here for a while because I've forgotten the password. yea...
I need to write down my passwords in a log book or smth. I'll look for a new book by next week when I get my allowance back. I'm practically broke now because I loaned Azeera $50.

Here's today's post

Photo A Day
Day 4: FUN.  

This is the game that our team, Team 1; James, Eunice, Shahril, Fadliah and I; made. The amoeba game. 
This is a game that helps to teach Bruce Tuckman’s team building method. Forming, Storming, Norming and Performing. 

Forming = being acquainted with team members
Storming = brain storming for ideas to help complete the task/activity at hand
Norming = this is where most of the team argues, but this is the process whereby they have to compromise and tolerate each other so as to work as a team.
Performing = With the other 4 factors, the team would be able to perform perfectly and accomplish their task.  

Honestly, it was so fun to watch the rest of the class screaming and trying their best to win the games. Adorable actually. I have to admit there are times where I would really dislike the class for their little habits, but I’m glad I met them :) They’re all great people. 

You see, this is how they went through the 5 stages. 
Forming : they already know each other since we've been in the same class for a few months now.

Storming: This is when they start to argue. They were arguing about who goes on top, who are the bases, who becomes the cell wall and how to maneuver their way to the pillar. 

Norming : When the team finally decided on a way to run the race. This means the team is finally on the same page and is working towards a goal. 

Performing: As name states, the way they carry out the task. Jamie's group wins btw. 

Adjourning: Everyone leaves for break. 

I shall warn all of you now, my sentences may not link up. 

OKAY,
Today's lesson is Science and we're learning Chemistry today. The subject I hate the most is Chemistry. We're learning about polarity and crap..ick. THIS IS WHY CHEMISTRY AND I BROKE UP LONG AGO!

I'm like..so tempted to go for Partial. I know it would reflect badly on my grades, and that it's not the right thing to do, but I'm really really tempted to...like, seriously. I'm planning many excuses to actually leave the class.. there's headache, tummy ache and dental appointment. I don't know if i'm actually going to do it though.

Because if I really do go for partial, then I wouldn't be able to get my GPA 4.0.
or get a minimun of a GPA of 3.5.

I just really hate Chemistry......

Lazy to type, Lazy to write..so I'll make a video log!

I don't get why some people find it funny to be super rude to a facilitator/teacher/adult.
I mean, who do you think you are? They're still older...show some bloody respect. sheesh.

I mean, fine, joke around with them. But remember that there's a line between joking and just being plain disrespectful. If you think it's funny, no it's not.
It just shows how immature you are, it also makes people question your upbringing.

Makes me feel like slapping the person. I'm sorry but not showing respect just really ticks me off.

It's really obvious when my parents are fighting. My dad would be sleeping on the couch, he wouldn't join us for dinner and he wouldn't speak to my mom.
Also, whenever I asked why he was sleeping there, he would make up an excuse and say, " Oh, I was studying the new language of programming." or " Our room's air-con is too cold, my leg would hurt when I wake up." and all those excuses.

It's been 3 days since they were fighting, and it's scary because they've never fought for that long before. I mean, they fight, but they usually make up on the night itself.
Yesterday, my mom came into my room to rant out and I found out why she was so angry at my dad. Oh what secrets could do in a relationship.
It's just kinda sad that my dad doesn't want to acknowledge that he was in the wrong and say sorry to my mom. It's also kinda sad that he is happily giving money to his sister instead of providing for his OWN family.
He's like, happily giving away thousands of dollars to his sister while we're in Singapore saving money.. HELLO, We're not saving money to provide them the cash and it's not like living in Singapore is cheap either.

If they bloody need money, they better find a job soon. Sell corn on the streets or something, I don't know! I just want them to stop depending on us so much to give them money!

HEY! Look what I made during Science class. I was really really bored and upset. I only draw whenever I am upset. I'm not really sure how to draw a tiger, because of the stripes, I was afraid that I'd go over board and destroy my creation. But i know there is a line of symmetry and that one of it's stripes are usually lined together. 

Anyways, I talked to Blake all night via Skype and I just realized how comfortable I am whenever I'm talking to him and stuff. Gosh, I miss him so much... I feel kinda bad that he is using AUD$1.5K to come to Singapore to visit me for just a week when he could use that money to buy a laptop (which he really needs), which is around AUD$3K. 

Proclaim the goodness of the lord. PRAISE THE LORD.

I've just arrived home from a super successful youth camp. It was one of the biggest camps that we've ever had, consisting of 46 new members.
We didn't count the one last year because everyone was forced by Father Johnson. Yes, these 46 people came to this camp because they wanted to.

Before camp started, I was very very nervous. I was nervous that I wouldn't be a good DGL, afraid that I would mess up, afraid that I can't make my participants enjoy the camp and ect. I had so many doubts, especially when it came to the pray-over session. I was afraid because it was my first time being a DGL. I didn't know what to expect or anything. In the end, I just let go and let the holy spirit guide me in doing what I had to do.

I was also very afraid of my sharing for the 3rd talk. I really didn't want to cry in front of all these people. And in the end, I didn't even used the things that I wanted to say in my script. I just said everything out. Just an unprepared, impromptu  sharing that my mind made up while I was standing up there. I shared about how I broke my mother's trust, how I've been treating my brother, how I've been destroying the temple of god (My body) by consuming and abusing painkillers, and how I am trying to repent for all of them.

Honestly, I don't really like sharing about my life. I have many things to share, yes. But I just don't want to. I rather keep them to myself because most of them are quite shameful. The thing is, I don't open up. I don't want to. I don't want to let anyone in because I'm afraid that they would judge me. I am afraid that they would hurt me. But YFC has taught me that, it's okay if your past is shameful, they're not there to judge. They are there to guide and help you in the path of Christ. And if you're in the path of Christ, you're also on the pathway to happiness. 

I loved my group. My group has Joey (Julia), Chloe and Samantha. They were pretty open, and they were much closer compared to how my friends and I were when we had our camp in '09. Chloe and Samantha were already close because they were cousins, so I had to somehow find a way to make them also include Joey in their discussions. By the 2nd day, they were a lot closer to each other, prank-texting random guys about that they like them. So mean right? haha. Each of my members said that during the camp, they've felt the presence of God. They felt like the Lord was with them, right there, reminding them that he loves them. 

Kuya Mike kept mentioning Allen and James.
1) Allen is a Christian however, he still managed to feel the presence of God. He still went to confession and participated in every activity that we had. Praise the Lord for him. 

2) James. The only time he has been to church was when he was a kid. This would be the first time he has gone to mass in 10 years or so. This is also the first time he has gone for confession. So when I asked him about it, he said " It felt good. It felt so right. During the confession, I felt like this heavy burden is gone from my shoulders and I can just start fresh." I am so proud of him. So proud that I actually cried during the worship when Kuya said that it was James who was the person that mentioned that to him. 

I want to honor Ate Phil and Kuya Kevin for planning the whole camp, they worked so hard to ensure this camp was a success. Lord, thank you for blessing us with your presence. We've all felt you in one way or another during this camp and I just want to thank you.

But I guess, that all i have to say is. God blessed our yfc community with  46 new members, 46 new brothers and sisters. So excited to see them on the 1st July for their first ever PA session. 

PRAISE THE LORD!

See you guys soon! Love you!
Oh I love you. YFC Original Song

LEO is always down, it’s so annoying. I was in the middle of doing my RJ, Quiz and evaluation when BOOM! It crashed. It's like...LEO is crashing every night. it's really starting to get on my nerves. THIS is why I don't like it when everything is online.
On the other hand, I have other things to do.

Before the camp:
1) Pack my bags for Youth Camp
2) Buy supplies for decorating E-Night
3) Design the wall for E-night.

During the camp:
1) Arrive and help out.
3) Learn how to speak in tongues
3) Await the arrival of the new YFCs.
4) Do RJ, Quiz, Evaluation.
5) Paint the freedom wall. I can do that at night when I'm suppose to be sleeping. OK CAN. 

AHHHHH! And what’s worse is that my friend is always telling me that he is unsure about going for the youth camp. All that was in my thoughts were, ” OMG JUST SHUT UP! If you want to go for the camp then go, if you don’t then don’t! Don’t even tell me about it!”

Actually, I kinda stressed out about this. Doesn’t help that I’m in the middle of UTs ( Understanding tests), Service learnings, Talks and ect. 

Today I couldn’t even make the household training or the dry run because I have school and exams. The training was from 9am - 5pm. But i couldn’t go because I have school at 8.30am - 3.30pm. Then Exams at 4.45pm - 5.30pm

Dry Run at 5pm. But I had a dialogue with Rexaz from 5.30pm - 7pm.

SO I’m pretty much missing out on a lot of things before camp starts. So nervous. So scared. So unprepared. 

Honestly, I'm still amazed at how hanging out with the YFCs could just make me forget about my problems and just live the moment.

During the Dinner&Dance, CFC 25th Anniversary, I was depressed because of the depleting messages shared between Blake and I. After a while, I forgot about that. Not really forgot, per say. But I learnt how to just not let it affect me. Instead I was just dancing ( horribly ) with the rest of the YFCs on the dance floor, just enjoying myself. Laughing, dancing crazily, jumping around. 

I was upset about it because it felt like I was losing him. The more we don't communicate, the further away we get. 

But most of my friends advice me to "give him some space." and just wait for his reply. Don't send him another message until he replies..or until I won't be bothered when he doesn't reply to my messages instantly. I'm sorry, I'm too used to him replying very quickly to my messages and requests. 

This didn't bother me before, so why should it bother me now?

It affects me a lot when he doesn't even talk to me for 1 day. Why?
In one of my relationships, that's how it started going downhill. Then again, why should I worry, right? He's not even mine to begin with.

There are times where we act like lovers. But i don't really know what we are. He asked me to marry him.. but of course I told him to ask me that in another 10 years. Oh but he knows what I'll say. He knows me too well and he seems confident of 'this', whatever this is, would last for that long.

Honestly, I was skeptical when he told me years ago that in 2012 he would still love me.
I was only reminded about that when he said, " HA! And you thought this relationship can't even make it to 3 years."
Well it didn't, didn't it? After 1 year... He cheated on me with Amy. Then the next girl was Lisa, Lydia, April and Rachel.

Our friendship was compromised when he was together with Lisa. Blake just obeyed everything she said and he started becoming this whole other person that I don't even know. So i started to distance myself from him.
When i didn't talk to him for a week, it finally hit him. He came back to me, and left Lisa. But i never trusted him from that day onward. Feelings fluxed... though they are on the mend..

I refuse to let myself be hurt by him again.
i remember him saying this to me:

Blake: I'm afraid for you.

Me: why? 

Blake: I'm afraid of me. I'm afraid that I'll hurt you again.

Well, I'm sad to say that he has hurt me.. many times actually.
Best advice? Walk away from it all.

 

Study + Bonding

Well, i went out with my brother to study together. Mainly because when I trusted him to do his English homework in his room, he turned out to be using his computer. 

For me, I can't seem to focus or pay attention when I'm at home because the urge to sleep or slack would be too great. So I decided to go Starbucks and bring my little brother along to study.

I managed to finish Chapter 2 and learn about the Values, types, statements, keywords, operators, operands  and expressions. Including the difference of when I'm using interactive mode and script mode. Yes, I'm starting from the basics again. Because if you don't have a good foundation of the subject, you won't fully understand the topic at all. When I say I know it, it doesn't mean that i just brushed through it. I really understood what it meant. Which is a good thing to do for a UT (UNDERSTANDING Test), even though I have no idea what might come out, would happen or will be asked during the process.

After a hour or 2, we had to head home. I called for it as I noticed my brother not looking at his papers anymore but just staring out of the store. So I asked, " Can't focus anymore? Want to go home instead?".
He happily said yes to both questions. So we packed up our things and left. But before we left, I couldn't resist but to snap a photo. HEE! Old habits die hard. 

But overall, I'm glad that I'm spending some time together with my brother because in the past, I would NEVER even contemplate on doing so. My brother and I don't get along very well as I'm easily agitated by his silly non-logical questions. But then again, there are instances where I can't differentiate if he was joking or being serious.  I am glad that my brother and I are putting some time away to actually 'bond'. :)

Thank you , Lord for blessing me with a brother. Though there are times where I want to kill him or annoy me, he's still my little brother and I love him.
And with that, may god give praise :)

It's really adorable how he calms me down whenever I over react to situations. Like how my heart broke when I asked him about this girl that he liked, her name was April.

Me: Whatever happened to April?

Blake : She fell for another guy. Don't ask, please. ><

Me: That kinda hurts :(

Blake : How come? :(

Me: I feel like I'm not your first choice

Blake: Haha! You are. That's why I'm getting a plane to visit Singapore for your birthday THEN get a laptop. Even though I need a laptop more. You're always first on my list.

Me: But the way you replied when I asked about April...It's like, I don't mean as much. You know? Or am I over thinking again? 

Blake: Over thinking. She was special to me but you're not in second place. She liked the same things that I do

Me: Unlike me :(

Blake: Please Stop, Ery. You're over reacting and it hurts. You are NOT second choice. I promise.

Me: Sorry I'm not a gamer. I try to like the same things as you do...I'm trying.

Blake: *kiss* Would you watch Doctor who with me? Would you sit and watch anime or eat pizza with me? Would you hold me when I needed it? <3 That's what i would love. There are millions of gamers out there. You don't have to be one. You just have to be you. 

Tell me again why we're NOT together?

Oh right...because we made a contract to not be together until we're both in the same country. That contract is what keeps the both of us safe from feeling lonely or hurt if either one of us falls for another person.

It hurts though... knowing that any girl in Australia could take him away from me. That I'd be losing him even though he wasn't even mine to begin with. I wonder if he's feeling the same way...

I love Owl City!

Here's a little fun fact

In 2011, I forgot my own birthday. 

I was in my room, revising for my O levels which was in a few weeks/days time when my parents came home and told me to get changed as we were going to eat at some fancy shmancy restaurant. 

I got changed and dressed up as they requested. But i wasn’t till I was in the car when I asked my brother, ” What is the occasion? Why are we eating somewhere expensive??”
My brother just gave me this astonished look and asked, ” You’re pretending right? You do know what today is?”
I just starred blankly at him and repeated my question till he answered,” It’s your birthday? September 12? Ring a bell??”

My eyes widen and I realized the date and everything. I was mainly shocked that I had forgotten that it was my very own birthday. *facepalm* AND here i thought you could only forget birthdays in movies. Oh was I so wrong. 

Camera

I just realized that I haven't taken photography shots in a while. I mean, just walking out of the house with nothing but my money and my camera. Just going out, walking around the area and just snapping away. 

That's why I was so high strung for such a long time! That's what I usually do when I want to calm down. When I'm feeling upset, angry, indifferent or any negative feelings, I would take my camera and just go walk around simei and take random shots.

I shall do that soon, I shall start bringing my camera everywhere I go again.
I forgot about the photographer's rule number 1: BRING THE CAMERA EVERYWHERE YOU GO. You don't know when a picture perfect moment might just come by. 

Alright, today was eventful. Cheer leading Practice from 2pm - 6pm. Revised the basics such as double PA stand, single thigh stand, shoulder sit, shoulder stand, elevator, extension and sweeping. 

I only arrived home at 8pm. Then received a call from Dian. She wants to hire me as a permanent photographer of a business that she's starting with her friends. Well, when it comes to photography, how on earth can I say no? Photography has been my passion for years. Of course I would be highly interested about that job. :) 

Well guys, just wish me luck that I'm able to produce exemplary photos. Port Folio worthy photos to be able to present to ACE startup grant so that they could help us start up the business. :) 

So at the moment, they're just doing free party plannings for kids so that they would have enough evidence and photos to make up a good port folio :) 

Exactly how I feel.

This are the things that I'm experiencing now.
I am afraid that I have BPD(borderline personality disorder)...however it's not diagnosed. A ton of my friends said that I might have it, most of them have been friends with me for a few years now. I'm afraid that if it left not diagnosed, it will get worse and I'll might actually kill myself because of depression.

I am in love with my bestfriend. It's an issue because, if the relationship goes badly, the friendship ends on a sour note. And I never want that to happen. He's been my best friend for 3 years, both of us have feelings for each other. People has been telling me that it was worth the risk because they think it will end well. But in my mind, what if it doesn't? I can't bear to lose him. I don't want him to leave my life. I need him. Don't get me wrong, I can live without him... but I chose not to. I want him there, I want him in my life... I love him. I'm just lucky that he loves me back. <3

The only difference is, I tried to kill myself 2 times. Once at 10 and once when I was 16.
And I don't have a dog.

Long story short, I was not very welcomed when I came into Singapore. People won't talk to me, would look down on me. Would say " Don't speak to her, she's not one of us!", "Go back to Philippines!", "Why are you studying? You're just going to be another maid! " and " You're just a black dog. "
I've been hearing those comments since I was 5. One day, I just happened to believe whatever they said. I believed I was stupid, worthless, good for nothing and was only going to disappoint my parents. I imagined how they might look like if I did end up being a maid... and I just wanted to end it all before it could happen.

Yes, I realized that it was a stupid idea to actually try and kill myself because

1. It's a stupid thing to do
2. I have so much to live for. 10 was an age too young.
3. I'd be putting my parents into so much guilt and sadness.  
4. It's a damn stupid thing to even think about.
5. People who loves and cares for me will be devastated .

But let me just say one thing. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PERSON IS GOING THROUGH. To you, her/his feelings of an issue is not the same as you. Something so small to you could mean the world to the other person. This is how the other person feels, meaning you don't have the right to comment if it's stupid or unethical because this is how the OTHER person feels. You have no right in saying if the person should feel otherwise.

You can only imagine what the person is going through but you can never tell how much pain the person is going through, you don't know the amount of pain the person is feeling, you don't know how much she/he wants to escape reality just so they will stop hurting so much.

Don't forget that everyone fears death. You don't know how it's like to run a blade through your arm while you search for the damn courage to press the blade into your arm. You don't know so many things that's been going on in that person's life, so you have no right to say that it's stupid of that person to think that.
Why? Did YOU even notice the lead up to the suicide? I didn't think so.

It's kind of sad how my parents don't really know me. I mean, they know my hobbies, my style, my fashion and stuff...but they don't know my personality. 

Then again, how can they. Both of my parents have to work, so that means that none of them are always home. I've had a maid since I was born so I've always grown closer to the maid compared to my parents. 

They always ask me, " Why are you so defensive about it if you never did it?". I AM A DEFENSIVE PERSON! That's just who i am. I am proud of the things I've done. I'm rather egotistical, so obviously i'll get annoyed whenever you tell others about my failures. Like how my mom would constantly tell others that I could have gone to express stream but instead I aimed for Normal Academic and that's why I'm in NA. 

My parents don't know how many times I've cried in my room because of them and of how much they don't even know their own daughter.  

I know it's kind of bad of me to post something like this on Mother's day, but my dad pretty much ruined my mood to help make this a wonderful mother's day celebration. 

I switched my phone off because I know nobody is really going to converse with me today. Neither will I receive a text nor a call. That kind of makes me feel so alone though... but it's a better excuse than to leave it on and get nothing.  

Waste of moolah!

*Sigh* look at the failed polaroid photos. That's $36 down the drain. It's so frustrating.
I shall buy a new packet next week and hopefully, i know what to do.
I've learnt to obstruct it from light. That i have to keep it in my pocket.
Do not shake it or bend it.
Let it develop with the photo facing the floor.
Store polaroids in a place of 13 d.c.

I was rushing to school today. I made the wrong decision to go to bedok and take 168. I arrived in Woodlands at 8.10a.m.

As I was rushing through the grass patches, I noticed something that made me smile. Since the grass patch was covered in dewdrops, when the sun rays hit them, it made them shine like diamonds. I was so tempted to stop and take a photo however I would be very very late if i did.  It was so beautiful and it made me smile like an insane person. While rushing through the grass patch, my eyes were constantly gazing on the ground. That's how I was able to notice it. 

In class, I asked around if anyone else has noticed the beauty of it and none of them has. It's such a pity that most people are so busy rushing to get somewhere or get things done that they don't even notice nature's ultimate beauty. Here's a tip guys, from time to time, stop and look around. You won't regret it. 

BOOM BAM BABY! 

Yea, I haven't been blogging here much at all. Reason is because i kind of lost my password for this blog. haha! shoot. I need to have a notebook for all of my passwords, so that I can keep track.

So many things has happened over the few weeks of Poly. I've made new friends, found out about different personalities, GOT AN A IN SCIENCE! (Though bio still sucks), and joined cheer leading!
I've realized that I have changed upon going to ILC, I've becoming more daring, more open and more of trying to be who I really am.
I'm done with the charade. I mean, why should I pretend to be someone I'm not? So yea.
After reading Danielle's blogpost, I felt so bad for losing the polaroid films. ahhh! Must write where all my items are now. MUST NOT LOSE THEM ANYMORE D:

YEEESSSS! I got a B in science! 

I'm extremely happy about that because I'm really really bad in Science. This is my first Daily Grade, and I was expecting a C or a D. The topic was about blood transfusion, which I know absolutely nothing about. I never took bio when I was in secondary school. 

So glad. Now I have to maintain that grade. OK CAN! 

I'm going back to my self-celebratory party now. teehee!  

Time for a change

I'm falling apart. The strong front that I've managed to pull of for years has weakened. It started feeling worse when Kuya Mike saw right through me... It was rather scary because I barely speak to him and he saw right through my "mask".

But he was right though. I have to stop running away from my problems, open up more, put down the mask and just be myself. I shouldn't be trying so hard and pushing myself to feel appreciated and loved because they already do. I may not feel like they do because I'm the one who is pushing everyone away. I'm the one who is trying to run away from pain. I'm the one who is causing my own solitude. 

Let's try and change things, shall we? 

These people came to my house for a movie night. I had to rush from woodlands to simei because they were waiting for my arrival to enter the house. 

In the end, Dillon, Charles, Christine and Tasha were late. The movie night was a fail as we didn’t even complete the movie. We stopped it at a certain point and ate pizza, that my mom ordered. 

After eating, everyone entered my room and turned it into a club. They toyed with the Christmas lights in my room and blasted music.

Even though I was super tired, I love these people and it was great to see them again. 

ILC

HEY! I'm finally back from ILC.
Here are some photos

My first ever ILC! whoo!!!!  I didn't get to say much when it was my turn to share. Honestly, I'm a very soft spoken person. I would usually just stand in a corner and keep quiet. I just kept pushing myself to communicate and be crazy because I wanted to feel accepted and loved.  Mainly because I didn't feel comfortable sharing. Nope. I don't really share or open up much. I just answer the question and shut up.

Alright! Honestly, the best experience would be ALL the activities from ILC. Reason? Look at us. So many people from different countries all together in Aklan for the same purpose. To worship God. To strengthen our faith. TO FEEL HEALED BY THE LORD. To feel his presence. I really did feel his presence. I felt it in everyone in ILC. EVERYONE. I don't really know how to explain it. But I really did feel his presence in the people that I manage to communicate with. The seasons were so moving and so very true ( Especially for the girls one).

During the praise and worship seasons, i received this psalm.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. -Psalm 73:26

Receiving that psalm meant so much to me. Because it reminded me that all I need was God's love. It reminded me that God will forever love me.

I've been meaning to go for ILC since I first joined YFC. During that time, my faith in God was pretty strong but something told me that it wouldn't be for long. So I made it a priority to go for ILC in 2012. In 2012, my faith started getting weaker in January. With all the family issues, heartaches and deaths, I started to lose faith in God. I started to question him again. I started to not trust him. But then, going to ILC made me realize that God only gives me things that I can handle. He would never give me a problem that's too big for me to handle.

I feel so blessed to be able to go for ILC. I feel so blessed to know people from YFC!

  

Truth be told.

Honestly, when I entered polytechnic, getting into a new relationship was out of my mind. My friends would often as me if there was a guy that I found cute during camp. No. My answer is no. I didn't look around. I wasn't interested. And I doubt that I'd want to be in a new relationship this soon.
Some teenage love lasts. Yes. However, majority of teenage love usually ends on a bad note. During the break ups, teenage love is the ugliest of them all. One of the reasons I rather be alone... I'M THOSE UNLUCKY ONES WHO LIVES WHERE TEENAGE LOVE NEVER LASTS AND ENDS WITH PAIN.

I'm tired of heartbreaks. I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of being hurt by a guy. I'm tired of caring and loving someone who would eventually feel nothing for me! I'd rather wait for the one that God has in store for me while I just do my best to enjoy the life that he has given me.

I don't think you understand the meaning of courting. When I say, you have to court me first, it means that you'd have to attract my attention. You'd have to gain my love. You HAVE to outshine the other guys that might possibly be courting me as well.
I do not have to stay focused on your courtship, I do not have to stay loyal to you and I certainly will not block out the others who are trying.
Do your best and in the end, it's still my call. I call the shots for this one. What's life without a little competition eh? Don't like it? Then scram!

Courting is not "in the process". It's "the big chase", if you'd like me to phrase it that way.

Happy Easter!

Yes, that's my handwritting. shhh!

I attended a joint PA today. It was wonderful to see thw YFCs again.
Today is Easter day. Jesus is risen from the dead.. One of the CFCs or SFCs talked about forgiveness during PA. Jesus died on the cross for our sins and has forgiven us. The least we could do was to forgive all trespasses that was imposed against us.

I'm the type of person who holds grudges, thus it is rather hard for me to be the bigger person and forgive the person who has wronged me. But they're right. We must forgive each other for whatever wrong doing that has been done, no matter how big or painful the fault. 

So from this day forth, everyone that I know starts on a fresh page. All previous faults are forgiven and forgotten. Happy Easter everybody

Dinner date with my mother

Honestly, it's been a while since my mother and I went out alone.

It's been a while since I went out with my mother. Honestly, even though we fight a lot and have tons of misunderstandings, I miss hanging out with her. I mean, just her and I. No one else. Just some mother and daughter time. I found it extremely hilarious when the both of us walked out of our rooms and we were both wearing vests. 

I love my mother. She was a gift from God. No. She IS a gift from god and forever will be. I love my mother. Though there are times where I would dislike her, all in all, I love my mother. She has been there for me through everything. She has loved me even at my worst attitudes. She is the one who guides me as I grow up, ensuring that I've been brought up properly. I love you, mommy. I love you so much : D

You know who you are.

Come, let's meet and have a chat. 

Let's start from square one. From being nothing but mere facebook friends, wanting to know more about each other to a hi-bye friend to whatever.

Let's just talk again and see how it goes, see if it'll end for the better or for the worse. 

But remember one thing, I'm not the same girl that you left. I'm not the girl that wants you back as badly as I once did. My feelings for you aren't the same. 

So let's talk, stranger.
Let's get to know each other better. Again..

Forgive me for the previous post. I was just ranting out because my mother managed to upset me, once again. She managed to upset me about the matters of boyfriends. Thus why I recalled my ex. yea... 

I like being alone, sometimes. When you're alone, there won't be anybody to ridicule you, or hurt you. That's what I love about being alone. 

But then, I'd see a happy couple or two close friends just chatting and laughing away. Then I'd miss the company of others. Miss having someone to shall all those happy and sad moments with.

When I see that, I'd remember why I hate solitude so much. But whenever I'm with someone, I'd remember why I preferred being alone.

What if everything that you've been telling yourself for months is a big lie? A lie that I don't care how he's doing. I don't care how he's happier without me. I don't care how easy it was for him to move on.  I don't care. I don't care. I don't care!

Because that's what I'm living on right now. A lie that I don't miss him anymore. A lie that i don't want to be friends with him. A lie that I don't want to see him. A lie that he was not everything to me.  It's all just a huge fucking lie!

I'm just so done with this charade. I thought that if I say those words to myself then one day, maybe one day I'd believe those words. One day I'd really not care about him. One day I'd just live my life with that false reality that you meant nothing to me. I thought it would work because of the quote " You are what you think you are." So I thought if i could somehow make myself believe that I've moved on, then I would. But it's been a few months and I still haven't convinced myself.

Honestly, I haven't moved on. I don't know how to move on. I just pushed him away. Removed him from all social networks and my phone just so I wouldn't see him. In hopes that one day, I'd forget him. But that's kinda stupid of me, I don't forget people. But that's how I deal with things, usually. I push them away. I shove all my problems under the rug and pretend that they never existed, like how I shoved him there.

Blessed

Youth For Christ.

SOI Freshman Camp 

I'm proud to say that I have 2 big huge, un-blood related families.
The YFC family and the SOI family :)

What others think of you is none of YOUR business

What others think of you is none of YOUR business

It doesn't matter what people call you, at the end of the day, what matters the most is what you decide to answer to. I've had many criticisms and mean, nasty names given to me over the years; you're stupid, you're ugly, you're a maid, you're just a stupid Filipino, you're a bitch and so many more. Yes, at first it was very very tough to ignore those comments. There was a point in time when i actually believed them. I actually believed I was stupid, ugly and useless. But one day, I questioned myself, " Why are you letting other people define who you are?? Fine, they know your name but do they know what you've been through? Do they know your identity?? Do they know you from deep within??"

That's when I realized that I needed nobody's opinion except my own. I need not the compliments of others to make myself feel better. I also need not the criticisms of others to bring me down. Their opinions aren't any of my concern.

So whenever I get criticized, I would simply remember my identity, what I would answer to. The secret to be free from criticism, gossip, judgment, doubt and the opinion of others is HUMILITY.
Not humiliation. That helps no one.

I used to not know the difference between the two words until I read a book. It said

Humility is perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is to never be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble

Perpetual quietness of the heart. To be at peace with oneself. That is what i truly want in life. To be at peace when nobody praises me. That's true freedom
Life isn't a performance, a popularity contest or a conquest for clothes, praise, awards, titles and degrees. In the end, would it all matter? Would you bring all those with you after death? No. George Straight sang a song saying that we don't bring anything with us, and we can't take anything back to our maker.

One way to stay focused on what truly matters is to create a personal mission. A personal mission statement upon which you would truly base your life on. For me, I spent a few hours a day in reflection. I close my eyes and think about what I would want my life to have meant at the end.

I am simply a child of god, as valuable and treasured as every other child of god. More precious than all the riches of the earth. Not the best, not the worst and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me.

The only day worth living is today

Do not think of the past, do not worry about the future. Just focus on the present. Focus on living the life you wish to. Start living today by doing all the things that you've been meaning to try.  For too long have I been reminiscing about the past. Thinking of the things that I could have done, what should have been done and my mistakes. I need to realize, the past is the past. I need to give up any hope of making the past better because there is only 1 way time goes. Forward.
Not backwards, not sideways, not loop-de-loop but forward. And that's the only way it will go no matter how hard you wish it didn't.

You'll never be as young as you are at this very very moment. So why waste it being depressed? Smile.

Hey peeps! I just came home from my freshman camp in Republic Poly.

I just woke up. Slept at 9pm and woke up at 10++am. That's the first time I've actually slept that long FYI. 

Well, the Freshman camp was fun. Tiring but fun. There were many activities that involved running. I couldn't even feel my legs once I arrived home. haha. I'm going to get leg muscles. Whoop!

I've met wonderful friends, had a wonderful time.

Help me... Don't let me get me...

I know I'm a hard person to love, let alone to like. It's even harder to understand me. Once I feel that you're figuring me out, I would push you away and change all of my little habits. Just so you will NEVER figure me out. I don't really know why I fear being figured out. Perhaps it's the fear of being predictable and boring.

My Aunt said this to me, " You're always acting strong. You look strong and confident, when inside...you're falling apart." I teared when I heard that because it's true. I've been falling apart. I've been falling apart for years and no one has really noticed it. My defense mechanism? It's when I would tease and make fun of others. It's also a great method to sway the conversation to something else.
But how long will that method of mine work.... not long.

All I wanted was someone to hug me tight and say, " You don't have to appear strong in front of me. I'm going to be here at your weakest point and I will be here at your strongest point. I won't leave you. I won't abandon you." Is that too much to ask? I just need to hear those words, those sincere words.

I'm falling apart. So come on, save me from me. I just simply LOVE to knock myself down even though I'm already at my lowest point. I love to criticize what I do, what I say and how I look. As Blake would say, I'm bullying myself. I really need to change my mindset. I need to be more positive. I'm trying to be....but it's not that easy. At least for me it isn't.

So please...someone....Save me from me.....