Help me... Don't let me get me...

I know I'm a hard person to love, let alone to like. It's even harder to understand me. Once I feel that you're figuring me out, I would push you away and change all of my little habits. Just so you will NEVER figure me out. I don't really know why I fear being figured out. Perhaps it's the fear of being predictable and boring.

My Aunt said this to me, " You're always acting strong. You look strong and confident, when inside...you're falling apart." I teared when I heard that because it's true. I've been falling apart. I've been falling apart for years and no one has really noticed it. My defense mechanism? It's when I would tease and make fun of others. It's also a great method to sway the conversation to something else.
But how long will that method of mine work.... not long.

All I wanted was someone to hug me tight and say, " You don't have to appear strong in front of me. I'm going to be here at your weakest point and I will be here at your strongest point. I won't leave you. I won't abandon you." Is that too much to ask? I just need to hear those words, those sincere words.

I'm falling apart. So come on, save me from me. I just simply LOVE to knock myself down even though I'm already at my lowest point. I love to criticize what I do, what I say and how I look. As Blake would say, I'm bullying myself. I really need to change my mindset. I need to be more positive. I'm trying to be....but it's not that easy. At least for me it isn't.

So please...someone....Save me from me.....