Childhood memories of swings, dragon shaped playgrounds, sand domes, jungle gyms… all gone because of “progress”. It’s just sad that the younger generation won’t be able to experiences what we did during our childhood. Then again, the new generation are more into malls, aircon and iPhones.

It’s just sad seeing your past get demolished as if it didn’t even have an impact onto your life. 
Once, there was this playground nearby my house. It had sand, slides, swings and monkey bars. I use to hang around there to relax and clear my mind. But now, the sand, monkey bar and swings are gone. It’s just a playground bent on helping the kids exercise instead of having actual fun. 

I just wish that I captured those memories on film when I had the chance….. damn.   

I haven't been blogging in a while. Mainly because there is nothing to blog about.
Everyday is pretty much the same. Wake up...go to school...go home... sleep.

I do that. I'd worry about something and I'd picture the worst case scenario... let's just say it's not good.
Like how I worry about Blake getting an epileptic attack...gosh D: 

So many people think that I'd only want to go overseas for university so i could get closer to Blake. But that's not true, there's so many other reasons to it.
One if it, is to escape my parents. I was reminded of this reason earlier on when we were in the car. We were on our way home from a movie called, The Dark Knight Rises. And my mom asked if we'd like to head home instead of going to Macs. My brother said, " Anything" but i said, " yea."
My mom didn't hear me as i saw her looking towards my direction, so i just nodded and said yea again, assuming that she saw and heard me. I was wrong... And she asked a third time. This time I said yes a little louder. Again she didn't hear me over the sound of music in the car.
So my dad had to intervene and shout,"HOY! Answer the question and don't be rude by not answering it!"
So I laughed to myself and just calmly said," I said yes 3 times. " Then I got reprimanded the whole journey home about being rude.

So it's my fault for them not hearing what i said? My mom wants to slap me for something i didn't do. Just bloody hell do it.
She says she's been tolerating me for such a long time, well my gosh. There's something we have in common. I've been tolerating her for a LONG time as well.
Why do you think I want to go overseas for Uni? Why do you think I have soo many dreams about moving out of THIS house?
My mother doesn't know how many times she's made me cry, and she doesn't have to know. The name calling, the critiques, the tone she talks to me in, the way where she hears but never listens and the accusations that she believes is true.

Fine. I'm "rude". But she can't tell me that she didn't raise me to be this way. YOU WERE AT WORK MOST OF MY LIFE. The maids know me better than my own blood related mother. My mom has to find out things about me via my maid.

You know my personality, mom. BUT you don't know how i'm feeling. There isn't any more diaries that i write nor blogs that I let you know of. Why do i do that?
Because you would reprimand me about my thoughts and feelings. The main point of a blog or diary is to write personal feelings in it. As a way to release ugly emotions. But no. I stopped that at the age of 7. I had no way of releasing all these bad and ugly emotions. I kept it all in and now.... Now i don't know how to keep it all in.
I'm angry, I'm hurt and I just want to break down and cry in front if my parents and just tell them how I feel but I can't. I can't. I just can't!
They won't understand....
They never understand.....

They think that studying overseas is a dream? To me, it's possible and it's my only escape.

Solitude

Here in my solitude I shall remain, 

For outside these walls is too much pain, 

The pain I feel is still the same in here, 

But it's easier to conceal when others are near. 

I do have friends that I keep close by, 

but only a few has seen me cry. 

Very few knows how I feel inside

Happiness, Joy are feeling that have died. 

Here, in solitude I shall remain, 

Far away from things that bring me pain.

Drowning these emotions and hiding my fear,

but in all honesty, I've always wanted you near. 

I stumbled upon his old tumblr account. 
Though it’s full of grammatical error and has a lack of punctuation, I still managed to understand what he’s trying to say. 

Stumbling upon that, it just made me realize how lonely he truly is… and how ‘in love’ he was with Lisa. 
How alone he feels and how much he fears that. Nobody likes solitude, even if he enjoys the quiet. I wish I could just sit by him. Two of us just enjoying each other’s company without saying a word. *sigh* if only eh?

I wish I can see, or even share, his pain. So at least he wouldn’t be going through this alone. Ever since he moved, he doesn’t have many people to talk to since he’s “in the middle of nowhere” and is so far from the city or civilization. 

Honestly, I’m sort of lonely as well.  
Having this pain inside that no one could see, because I mask it with a smile. Oh gosh, the amount of pain a smile could cover up. The thing is, I don’t know how to express that pain, I don’t know how to properly take it out of my system and be happy with my life.

Manipulation

Here is what i have been up to! Photomanipulation effects:

Attempt 1

Attempt 2

Attempt 3

Attempt 4

Well, I haven't been blogging much.
There were so much going through my head that I didn't know how to put it in words. The longer I went without letting my thoughts out in some way, the more confused I gotten.
Heck, I almost broke up with Blake a couple of times even though I want him to be by my side. I don't know why I called it. I guess it's from listening to what others say, and how much they doubt that we would work out or from the pain long distance brings. Pain because of the lack of communication and to me, in a relationship; any relationship. Communication is key. 

Yesterday, I was about to end everything with Blake. Obviously, Blake didn't want a break up so he asked me a couple of questions. 

1) Are you sure you want to do this?
2) What are your doubts and who/what brought them up?

3) The first time I met you, you were as stubborn as a rock and as hard headed as ever. You never listened to what others have to say, so why start now?

It kind of annoys me that he was speaking so slowly and calmly while we were talking. But then again, when he speaks like it, it somehow calms me down. He loves to talk like that whenever I get worked up, pissed off, upset and ect..

I've also asked him some things, things like " You do know that you're not really putting this last chance to good use?" and " You're not really proving that you're worth it to me..if you hadn't noticed." and "Do you realize that you're not even showing me that you deserve my trust back?"

It shocked me when he said, " Mainly that's because, I DON'T deserve it. Not at all, not after what I did."

But we worked things out...i guess... :/ 

I just have to STOP listening to what others say and just believe in myself, and that this relationship will work. Both of us will make it work in one way or another.