Exactly how I feel.

This are the things that I'm experiencing now.
I am afraid that I have BPD(borderline personality disorder)...however it's not diagnosed. A ton of my friends said that I might have it, most of them have been friends with me for a few years now. I'm afraid that if it left not diagnosed, it will get worse and I'll might actually kill myself because of depression.

I am in love with my bestfriend. It's an issue because, if the relationship goes badly, the friendship ends on a sour note. And I never want that to happen. He's been my best friend for 3 years, both of us have feelings for each other. People has been telling me that it was worth the risk because they think it will end well. But in my mind, what if it doesn't? I can't bear to lose him. I don't want him to leave my life. I need him. Don't get me wrong, I can live without him... but I chose not to. I want him there, I want him in my life... I love him. I'm just lucky that he loves me back. <3

The only difference is, I tried to kill myself 2 times. Once at 10 and once when I was 16.
And I don't have a dog.

Long story short, I was not very welcomed when I came into Singapore. People won't talk to me, would look down on me. Would say " Don't speak to her, she's not one of us!", "Go back to Philippines!", "Why are you studying? You're just going to be another maid! " and " You're just a black dog. "
I've been hearing those comments since I was 5. One day, I just happened to believe whatever they said. I believed I was stupid, worthless, good for nothing and was only going to disappoint my parents. I imagined how they might look like if I did end up being a maid... and I just wanted to end it all before it could happen.

Yes, I realized that it was a stupid idea to actually try and kill myself because

1. It's a stupid thing to do
2. I have so much to live for. 10 was an age too young.
3. I'd be putting my parents into so much guilt and sadness.  
4. It's a damn stupid thing to even think about.
5. People who loves and cares for me will be devastated .

But let me just say one thing. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PERSON IS GOING THROUGH. To you, her/his feelings of an issue is not the same as you. Something so small to you could mean the world to the other person. This is how the other person feels, meaning you don't have the right to comment if it's stupid or unethical because this is how the OTHER person feels. You have no right in saying if the person should feel otherwise.

You can only imagine what the person is going through but you can never tell how much pain the person is going through, you don't know the amount of pain the person is feeling, you don't know how much she/he wants to escape reality just so they will stop hurting so much.

Don't forget that everyone fears death. You don't know how it's like to run a blade through your arm while you search for the damn courage to press the blade into your arm. You don't know so many things that's been going on in that person's life, so you have no right to say that it's stupid of that person to think that.
Why? Did YOU even notice the lead up to the suicide? I didn't think so.