While my cousin was in the toilet, I talked to myself. Of course, in a third person view where I pretend to be a bystander, observing my life through another person.
The words that I told myself :
“I know you, Denice Erycka. I do. I know your problems; problems which involves the court, federals, family, friends, self-perception and emotional problems. Just because you appear all happy and carefree doesn’t mean that those problems doesn’’t exist. Just because you put up a strong front, doesn’t mean that you could face all those problems by yourself. You NEED to open up before you go crazy and do stupid things. At the moment, your clear conscience is what is preventing you from doing all those sucidal thoughts that have been popping into your head for years. But for how long will that work huh? One day, you won’t even care about how disappointed or depressed others would be and just end your life. You know one day it would and that terrifies you. You say that you can handle this on your own, but look at the state you’re in now. Too terrified to even trust a single person, pushing them away as soon as they manage to touch the walls around your heart. You feel as if your defences has been weakened and have the need to reinforce it, so you push the people who wants to help you away and reinforce the walls with titanium. You’re making the person feel like their efforts to getting to know you isn’t appreciated and that you’re making them go back to square one. That is why Tedd was hurt you big fat idiot! And look who you have around you now, NO ONE. YOU’RE ALL ALONE. THAT’S WHAT YOU WANTED RIGHT!? THAT’S WHY YOU PUSH PEOPLE AWAY. YOU STUPID STUPID GIRL! Be happy, you unappreciative bitch! You got what you want! Solitude. I’m telling you, if you keep this up. Your prediction of growing up alone will come true! Because there won’t be a person who would stick around if you keep pushing them away! NONE!
“I know you, Denice Erycka. I do. I know your problems; problems which involves the court, federals, family, friends, self-perception and emotional problems. Just because you appear all happy and carefree doesn’t mean that those problems doesn’’t exist. Just because you put up a strong front, doesn’t mean that you could face all those problems by yourself. You NEED to open up before you go crazy and do stupid things. At the moment, your clear conscience is what is preventing you from doing all those sucidal thoughts that have been popping into your head for years. But for how long will that work huh? One day, you won’t even care about how disappointed or depressed others would be and just end your life. You know one day it would and that terrifies you. You say that you can handle this on your own, but look at the state you’re in now. Too terrified to even trust a single person, pushing them away as soon as they manage to touch the walls around your heart. You feel as if your defences has been weakened and have the need to reinforce it, so you push the people who wants to help you away and reinforce the walls with titanium. You’re making the person feel like their efforts to getting to know you isn’t appreciated and that you’re making them go back to square one. That is why Tedd was hurt you big fat idiot! And look who you have around you now, NO ONE. YOU’RE ALL ALONE. THAT’S WHAT YOU WANTED RIGHT!? THAT’S WHY YOU PUSH PEOPLE AWAY. YOU STUPID STUPID GIRL! Be happy, you unappreciative bitch! You got what you want! Solitude. I’m telling you, if you keep this up. Your prediction of growing up alone will come true! Because there won’t be a person who would stick around if you keep pushing them away! NONE!
You better change yourself soon. The sooner the better.”
I just teared up in front of the mirror and whispered, “ I’m trying to change… I’m trying so hard…I’m just too scared. Tedd almost made me believe that I could actually trust and open up to people again. ALMOST… until he too, hurt me. I thought he understood that I needed him there to help me open up and regain faith in someone again. He made that faith grow, only to burn it to the ground to be turned into ashes again.
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