Realization.

I’ve realized that when I stop writing down how I feel, I’m slowly losing my mind. It’s slowly making me crazy. I guess the bottling up phase is done because the bottle is already filled to the brim. I have to admit, I’ve always thought of commiting suicide. I’ve been thinking about doing it since I was 10. My suicide methods isn’t slashing my wrists…no, it was slashing my neck. It was a sure way of never surviving that and ending everything. The only reason that I haven’t actually TRIED to do it was the thought of how distraught my family and friends would be when the find my dead body lying on the floor in a pool of blood.

Reminds me of when the priest shared his story about his friend’s daughter who killed herself. That was a perfect topic for the pirest to say because that was the exact same day when I was willing to try and kill myself. The priest broke down in tears in front of everyone and voiced out his thoughts. “ Why didn’t she come to me for help?”, “ Why did she feel like she had to do this?”, “ Was there something that I could have said or done to prevent this?” and “ Why didn’t she turn to me for help?”. When he voiced out those questions, I could see the sadness and hurt in his eyes. And that’s when I thought that I couldn’t bear to let my parents and friends go through the same amount of pain. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. The priest then went on about how precious life is and how it’s a gift from God. We should be thankful for any kind of gifts given by anyone, especially a gift from god!

After watching a show about depression and a young lad’s journey to overcome it, it made me realize that I’m just in a chapter of my life… that I should be happy because I have family and friends that love and care for me. “It’s very self indugant to not appriciate what I have; Family and Friends. I shouldn’t ever forget that they are there for me no matter what.” That line struck me the most.

I love all my friends who stayed even though it’s really hard to be my friend. I’m thankful that you chose to stay by my side even though I gave you so many reasons to leave.  <3