It hurts. It feels like a piece of me has been violently ripped away. I admit, I've grown too attached to Tedd. Even after I told myself not to. It's funny how we tend to do the opposite of what we tell ourselves to do. Like how you tell yourself not to think about him, it'll only make you think about him more and more. Or like how you would tell yourself not to mess something up. You'll end up messing up super badly.

Like how many times I've told myself not to push anyone away, but look what happened? I've pushed away the 1 person that I've NEVER wanted to push away.

Anyway, it's been a month and two weeks since we fought and broke up. After fighting so hard to have him back and to not have the sense of abandonment from him. I gave up.
I know he never REALLY abandoned me, I mean, he's still there if I need help or someone to talk to. But I can't help but still feel like he has abandoned me. It may be imaginary. But nobody likes the feeling of being abandoned. What hurts the most is that he isn't there to reassure me that he is still there and that he still cares. That's all I want to hear from him, actually. That he's still there and that he's not going anywhere. Not as a boyfriend but as a friend. But I know he's never going to do that... 

I gave up. At the moment, I don't care if we get back together, become friends or perish. Because I'm sure that we're going to end up as STRANGERS. Two strangers who once meant the world to each other, two strangers who once ravelled in each other's existence have now grown apart and are slowly becoming strangers once again. Back to square one eh? Strangers.

It's a hard fact to learn in life; that some things aren't meant to be. No matter how badly you want it to happen, it will never ever happen. I was about to give up all hope when I saw this quote

Sometimes you have to stop worrying, wondering and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but how it's meant to be

That made me think that maybe I should stop trying and be patient to see if God has planned for Tedd to be in my life or if we just happened to cross paths with each other's lives. I recall asking God for patience, maybe this is how he is giving it to me. I also recall asking God for the right person, maybe Tedd wasn't the right one, no matter how much I believed that he is, the sad fact is that he wasn't. Maybe God was just preparing me for when I meet the right guy that he has in store for me.

I just need patience, faith and trust in God's plan; no matter how scary and heartbreaking it may be because God would NEVER give me more than I can handle.

Strangers, again.

This is just a short video that my cousin showed me. She showed it to me to prove her point that the relationship between Tedd and I wasn't real. Because if it were real, then he wouldn't have given up as easily as he did. 

He gave up easily. Wasn't I worth the fight? Didn't I mean anything to him? 

Remember what I said? If 4 months passed and he "lost" all feelings....then he never really loved me. 4 months has passed...and he said he has " no feelings". Told you it wasn't real...

OMG I'M SO SUPER IN LOVE WITH THIS!!!!!! AHHH!!! :D

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! OMG LOVE!!!
 HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHE

Dinner Date

Had a dinner date with this guy, Kenneth. Had a gloriously fun time at Vivo. Thank you for the meal and thank you for paying. :)

I don’t approve of how fast paced he is when it comes to relationships. Also, I don’t approve the fact that he used (he claims) to be a playboy. I’ve become more of the traditional type, as in, getting to know the person before being their girlfriend. However, I have to commend him on how mature he is, not like he had a choice though. He had to mature fast because of his background. He’s had the hard life, unlike me; I’ve been blessed with so many fortunate things that I’ve been under appreciating. I mean, he had to sell corn on the streets to make enough money to get through elementary school. Like today, when I shared about my suicidal thoughts and attempts to him, he made me realize the stupidity of those thoughts and actions. But he also assured me that it was “normal” to think of those because my problems seemed huge at the moment because I’m not used to seeing the ugly side of life and that whenever I’m facing those, he’d always ( or try his utmost best to) be there to help me through them. 

He’s a sweet and thoughtful guy, but I’m still considering his proposal. He said he’d wait for 5 years if he had to…Let’s see if he’ll actually do it, shall we? 

Self to self conversations

While my cousin was in the toilet, I talked to myself. Of course, in a third person view where I pretend to be a bystander, observing my life through another person.

The words that I told myself :
“I know you, Denice Erycka. I do. I know your problems; problems which involves the court, federals, family, friends, self-perception and emotional problems. Just because you appear all happy and carefree doesn’t mean that those problems doesn’’t exist. Just because you put up a strong front, doesn’t mean that you could face all those problems by yourself. You NEED to open up before you go crazy and do stupid things. At the moment, your clear conscience is what is preventing you from doing all those sucidal thoughts that have been popping into your head for years. But for how long will that work huh? One day, you won’t even care about how disappointed or depressed others would be and just end your life. You know one day it would and that terrifies you. You say that you can handle this on your own, but look at the state you’re in now. Too terrified to even trust a single person, pushing them away as soon as they manage to touch the walls around your heart. You feel as if your defences has been weakened and have the need to reinforce it, so you push the people who wants to help you away and reinforce the walls with titanium.  You’re making the person feel like their efforts to getting to know you isn’t appreciated and that you’re making them go back to square one. That is why Tedd was hurt you big fat idiot! And look who you have around you now, NO ONE. YOU’RE ALL ALONE. THAT’S WHAT YOU WANTED RIGHT!? THAT’S WHY YOU PUSH PEOPLE AWAY. YOU STUPID STUPID GIRL! Be happy, you unappreciative bitch! You got what you want! Solitude. I’m telling you, if you keep this up. Your prediction of growing up alone will come true! Because there won’t be a person who would stick around if you keep pushing them away! NONE!

You better change yourself soon. The sooner the better.”

I just teared up in front of the mirror and whispered, “ I’m trying to change… I’m trying so hard…I’m just too scared. Tedd almost made me believe that I could actually trust and open up to people again. ALMOST… until he too, hurt me. I thought he understood that I needed him there to help me open up and regain faith in someone again. He made that faith grow, only to burn it to the ground to be turned into ashes again.  

I've lost a friend as well...

Okay, I may have overreacted when he told me that " You should be thankful that I'm still talking to you." But, it was such a frustrating thing to hear.He said that he is trying to be friends. Tell me, what kind of "friend' would actually say that huh?

He is not being a friend at all. He is just being this arrogant little bitch. He's making a big huge fuss over such a petty and trivial issue. A very childish act. Don't get me wrong, I knew he was childish and arrogant...just not to THIS extent.

Yes, I got over the fact that we're NEVER going to be together again. I've accepted the fact that there are some guys who are better off as friends than boyfriends; Take Blake for example. He's better as my best friend then he ever was my boyfriend. AND I thank him, for staying by my side, through everything :)

POINT IS....I miss him. I miss how we used to talk and laugh. I miss my friend. I am missing him so so so much...
Each day that we don't talk, it's killing me because it seems like our friendship is slowly fading away. Sooner or later, we're just going to be 2 complete strangers to each other and THAT is what I'm afraid of. I've already lost so many friends..I don't want to lose another one..not again..

Realization.

I’ve realized that when I stop writing down how I feel, I’m slowly losing my mind. It’s slowly making me crazy. I guess the bottling up phase is done because the bottle is already filled to the brim. I have to admit, I’ve always thought of commiting suicide. I’ve been thinking about doing it since I was 10. My suicide methods isn’t slashing my wrists…no, it was slashing my neck. It was a sure way of never surviving that and ending everything. The only reason that I haven’t actually TRIED to do it was the thought of how distraught my family and friends would be when the find my dead body lying on the floor in a pool of blood.

Reminds me of when the priest shared his story about his friend’s daughter who killed herself. That was a perfect topic for the pirest to say because that was the exact same day when I was willing to try and kill myself. The priest broke down in tears in front of everyone and voiced out his thoughts. “ Why didn’t she come to me for help?”, “ Why did she feel like she had to do this?”, “ Was there something that I could have said or done to prevent this?” and “ Why didn’t she turn to me for help?”. When he voiced out those questions, I could see the sadness and hurt in his eyes. And that’s when I thought that I couldn’t bear to let my parents and friends go through the same amount of pain. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. The priest then went on about how precious life is and how it’s a gift from God. We should be thankful for any kind of gifts given by anyone, especially a gift from god!

After watching a show about depression and a young lad’s journey to overcome it, it made me realize that I’m just in a chapter of my life… that I should be happy because I have family and friends that love and care for me. “It’s very self indugant to not appriciate what I have; Family and Friends. I shouldn’t ever forget that they are there for me no matter what.” That line struck me the most.

I love all my friends who stayed even though it’s really hard to be my friend. I’m thankful that you chose to stay by my side even though I gave you so many reasons to leave.  <3

In denial

Have you ever missed someone so much that it hurts? All you want to do is talk to them but you know that even saying "hi" is unethical. And all you can do is wait, wait for them to miss you but you know that they won't. You're waiting for something, something that will never happen. You know that it will never happen, but you have that little piece of faith that they might. You know that it's the wrong thing to do but you still try to hold on to that tiny piece of faith... because you don't want to face the reality that they're gone. You don't want to face the reality that they're gone and is never coming back.

I admit, I don’t want to let go because I don’t want to forget. Memories mean everything to me…. I don’t want to forget….I won’t…

But I know that I HAVE TO MOVE ON… And I will, somehow 

There was once when I caught a fish. However, the fish wriggled out of my grasp and is now swimming out into the open sea.

I tried it. I tried to write him a letter, now it's just the means on how to send it to him. Snail mail will never really do as I don't really know his address nor where he lives. Amirul was thinking of meeting up with me to help me to pass him my letter. While Tiffany was offering to help me write the letter and pass it to him. I picked the latter.

But I feel like I should have chosen the former because it would be so much more meaningful if the letter was written by me, in my own handwriting ( that even he might not understand)...ALRIGHT, the latter does have some benefits.

This is my last and final attempt to let him know how I feel and to try and get him back. I poured out my heart, or attempted to, to find the right words for the letter. I'm sure there are still words left unsaid but....As you can see, I'm not good in expressing my thoughts into words. I'm terrible at it.
But I managed to express how I felt about our friendship. I felt as if our friendship was slowly fleeting away. I can feel him forgetting me. I can and it hurts.

how to win my heart

1. Be polite. That means you must respect everyone. Friends, family, strangers, etc.

2. Be humorous. I love people that can make me laugh, don’t we all :)

3. Be patient. I’m a pain in the ass sometimes.

4. Be genuine. Nothing is better than honesty.

5. Be spontaneous.

6. Reassurance, I always need to be assured since I overthink too much

7. Be understanding. Sometimes my conclusions are really, really stupid.

8. Be respectful.

9. Make time for me. I’m not asking for all of your time, but some of it would be nice.

10. Most importantly, be more action oriented rather than word oriented. Words are nothing but words, prove to me that you really mean what you say.

That's exactly how i feel right there.

However, instead of weeks...it was months.

Today I went to work. In my point of view, it was easy job, physically as all we had to do was give out flyers and samples of the coffee. But it was hard to do emotionally. I spent 10h with my friend and her boyfriend ( Since they're my co-workers) cuddling, kissing, hugging, laughing, joking and everything that we used to do. It was torture. It made me miss him more. Especially those good times that we shared.  But after a few hours of seeing them like that, it just made me mad. Because I remembered that he told me that he wouldn't let me go that easily. But guess what? He did. I believe I ranted, " HE SAID THAT HE WOULDN'T FUCKING LEAVE ME THAT EASILY BUT APPARENTLY THAT WAS JUST A HUGE ASS FUCKING LIE. WHAT IF THE WORDS " I love you." or "you mean so much to me." or " I've never met someone who was this important to me." WAS JUST PLAIN BULLSHIT!? "
Like I've said.. If he is going to base a relationship on that "in-love" feeling ( honeymoon stage), the relationship was never going to last. NEVER.

It was really really hard to see them do the things that we used to do. But that's the thing, isn't it? The keyword.. USED. It's in past tense, meaning that it's in the past. I should just learn to accept it and just forget about it. Time to just lay everything out in order... burn them one by one.... and say goodbye to the memories. It's hard to say, but it's time to do it. It's time to get rid of the past memories to make room for newer and happier ones.