Journal entry 1: sauvgard mon cœur, si vous plait.

I guess I'll just post my old blog posts here then ._.

My heart used to be surrounded by walls. To protect myself... To prevent myself from feeling like the way I felt when my first love ( Adil) broke up with me. I placed a fake smile on my face and continued on with my life. Over time, I started to believe that I was truly happy, the lie was becoming reality   One year later... He came back to me. He made me fall deeper for him.. Alot deeper. He convinced me to tear down my walls that surrounded my oh-so-fragile heart. He helped me to disable the security systems by making me believe that my heart was in good hands.  That it will be protected from :-
1) Pain
2) Drama
3) Heartache

At first he did.. He protected my heart from any pain and heartache. But this guy... He and I went through so much together . He took my first kiss during our first relationship. He made me believe that he would protect me from anything.. That he will love me forever. That he'll shield my heart from the 3 pains listed above.  Instead.. He, himself, inflicted all that pain onto me. He, who was suppose to protect my heart, let it break and shatter into a million tiny pieces. Correction... He let my heart crumble into dust. With all that I've been through... My fragile heart has turned into dust... It has been broken, torn, stabbed, dropped and scarred too many times that it is no longer a piece of a jigsaw that has been messed up. No! It is now a spec of dust! And this time I don't know what I can do... Or how I am going to lie to myself to convince myself that everything is going to be perfectly fine. That I can go on with my life "happy". I can place that mask on again.. But doing that could only do so much..  My friends might not even know that inside, I'm dying.. My soul is being torn in every way. Like from the song why by rascal flatts " oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong"   For now, I'm going to collect the dust.. Put it in a jar and try to mould it back into shape. The walls are back up and this time they are reinforced with titanium. I will wear that mask and act as that happy-go-lucky girl that everyone knew in school. For how long will I wear that mask, u may ask? Until the day that I die.. 

Hey! Don't forget that I wrote that entry during that 1 week of despair after he broke up with me. So I was in a horrible emotional state. Actually I did many silly things during that 1 week. And that includes starving myself because all I felt like doing was rolling up under my blankets and crying my eyes out.
Well guess what!? I will NEVER. NEVER. let Adil near my heart ever again! He doesn't deserve me. He NEVER deserved me.

The person that deserves me now.. is Tedd. <3 you Tedd :)