Help me... Don't let me get me...

I know I'm a hard person to love, let alone to like. It's even harder to understand me. Once I feel that you're figuring me out, I would push you away and change all of my little habits. Just so you will NEVER figure me out. I don't really know why I fear being figured out. Perhaps it's the fear of being predictable and boring.

My Aunt said this to me, " You're always acting strong. You look strong and confident, when inside...you're falling apart." I teared when I heard that because it's true. I've been falling apart. I've been falling apart for years and no one has really noticed it. My defense mechanism? It's when I would tease and make fun of others. It's also a great method to sway the conversation to something else.
But how long will that method of mine work.... not long.

All I wanted was someone to hug me tight and say, " You don't have to appear strong in front of me. I'm going to be here at your weakest point and I will be here at your strongest point. I won't leave you. I won't abandon you." Is that too much to ask? I just need to hear those words, those sincere words.

I'm falling apart. So come on, save me from me. I just simply LOVE to knock myself down even though I'm already at my lowest point. I love to criticize what I do, what I say and how I look. As Blake would say, I'm bullying myself. I really need to change my mindset. I need to be more positive. I'm trying to be....but it's not that easy. At least for me it isn't.

So please...someone....Save me from me.....

If only we could turn back the hands of time.

I'm on the phone with Amirul. I'm just hearing his 5 year old cousin laughing in the background. Of course, Amirul is also entertaining her.

Gosh, I miss it when I was her age. When the simplest things could make me laugh and smile. I recall even throwing a rock on the ground made me laugh like a mentally retarded person. Back when i didn't have to worry about good grades, being the best, due dates and projects. Not worrying about the backstabbers. When you didn't have to worry about heartbreakers  and jerks who are just after sex. Basically, I miss the times when we didn't really have to worry about anything except our own happiness. 

I miss being a child. Growing up is the worst thing that I've done in my life. Too bad it can neither be stopped or prevented. Everyone has to grow up some day. Sadly. If only I could travel back in time. I would have told myself to enjoy being a kid, to enjoy the naps and everything that came along with it. Because once you grow up, you're going to miss it so badly.

Forgiving isn't that hard after all.

Bought this adorable ear cuff from topshop. As usual, it was on impulse. But I have no regrets whatsoever.

Forgive and Forget.

It's sometimes harder to do the latter. Most people can't even do it, maybe they shouldn't so as to protect themselves from hurting in the future. But what if instead of forgetting, we retell it? Instead of you telling the story which portrays you as the victim, rewrite it. Instead of justifying and defending our pain, we just banish it and let go. It's difficult for me to do, I admit, because I am a very defensive person but I've learned that once you let go, the pain and burden from your shoulders are gone. It just vanishes.

For too long I've been playing the victim card.Often getting attention and sympathy by being a victim or by being right or being wronged. If we're invested in the villain, we must really enjoy being the victim.  I used to tell the same stories about my ex boyfriend. Tales that he abandoned me, he left me when I needed him the most and all those things. Let me retell it now. My ex boyfriend loved me the best that he could but for some reason, he wasn't capable to give me more. It had nothing to do with me. I can't take it personally because ever since we got together, I've never changed. I didn't adapt to new habits, old habits didn't die and my personality remained. I did nothing wrong. Things just didn't work out, that's all. 

From grief to forgiveness to freedom. Forgiveness is giving up the hope to make a better past. What's done is done. Sounds harsh, yes. But once you learn to let go of how you wanted your past to be, you can change the present and work on a better future. 

Some say forgiveness is a process. That's true, but it all starts with 1 thing. A decision. A decision to let go. Once you've decided to change your story, you will get your happy ending. 

Turn around, bright eyes.

Beautiful, isn't it? I went to the roof garden after work because I needed to just clear my mind and think.

Don't mind the title. I've just gotten the song " Total Eclipse of the heart by Glee" stuck in my head since this morning.

Seeing all the happy couples around the Espanade just reminded me of how lonely I really am. Loneliness loves to creep up on you like a ninja, doesn't it? You won't know when it'll strike. You could be taking a sip of water or just listening to music when suddenly, BANG, you realize how lonely you truly are. I know I have friends and family, so me being lonely is a joke, as some people say. But, I can't really explain it, it's like....something is missing. That special something or someone. Perhaps I just miss feeling loved by someone that I love too. Perhaps I just miss being surrounded in a world of my significant other. I don't know.
Being in a relationship because you're lonely is no way to go. So I'm going to have to learn how to cheer myself up, occupy myself and just be independent . For only I CAN BE THE SOURCE OF MY OWN HAPPINESS. I have got to stop leaving my happiness in the hands of other people. If I can't love myself, or at least keep myself happy ( as in genuinely happy), how am I suppose to love my significant other or to ensure that he'll be the happiest and luckiest guy on this planet? See my point? 

I don't know why this happens to me. There would be a certain time of the day where I'd be super super depressed without any specific reason to why. Whenever I try to find the reason to why I was depressed, it would only make me even more depressed because I'd be thinking of all the bad things that has happened to me. Flash backs of the wrong doings that you've done is something no one should ever return to. 

To cheer myself up, I asked Ate Myline to cut up some mangoes for me to eat. I'm going to enjoy devouring this now, Bway bway people :D

Insignificant achievement

Finally went to work today. Had fun. Enjoyed 10hours of counting paper. Oh what fun. Defiantly kept my mind off things for the time being.

Doing that gave me 7 paper cuts. But i'm glad to say that I've counted to 31 000 pieces of paper. Whoop!

At 11:55pm, off we went to budget terminal to fetch Tita Lan from the airport. I hate budget terminal... That's where the problems between him and I started. If only i could turn back time... Oh gosh, if only.

drip drop

When it was raining, I just sat on the kurb and watched as the raindrop merged with it's brethren as they join into puddles.  To me, it just looks as if it's celebrating that a fellow raindrop has joined them on the earth as a puddle. As if to congratulate the drop for taking a leap of faith to leave the safety of the clouds and join them on earth.

Yea, I do realize how mentally absurd that sounds, but that's what I was thinking when i was staring at the rain. My mind tends to wonder off into my own world. That is why my friends have to constantly give me a reality check.

I mean, reality is great. But i would rather stay in the world of my imagination. A world of my creation. In reality there's just so many things that can/will hurt you. Things that can degrade you. Things that can kill you inside out.

That is why I would rather stay in my own carefree world. But who am I kidding here, everyone needs to get a reality check one time or another. Or else we'll be sent to the mental facility.

If you had a chance to chose reality or fantasy, which would you choose?
If I were posed that question, I'd pick fantasy. Where the possibilities are endless. Where possibilities are only limited to how much you believe that THAT certain something will happen. Oh yes, I'd choose fantasy anytime.

I should do that more often, just go out and think. Just stare at random things and let my imagination go wild. It's a very refreshing feeling, that i'll admit. It gives me a moment to forget about all of my problems and just enjoy being a kid.

OH YES, BTW. THIS MUST NEVER HAPPEN!!! THE DOCTOR LIVES!! THE DOCTOR LIVES!!!

I was just telling Blake how I wished to have a cute relationship. A relationship where we would do so many weird and silly things. 
Then Blake reminded me of when I brought explosives into French class. 
Blake threw the first explosive..

Teacher : DENICE! GET OUT!!
Me : What!? It wasn’t even me!
Blake : Sir, It was me.
Teacher : Oh, sorry Denice. BLAKE, GET OUT! 

So Blake merrily made his way to the canteen and texted me, ” Now it’s your turn.” Honestly, I’ve never been the type to get sent out of the class. That’s why I asked Nicole to throw the explosive on the ground for me. 

20 minutes after Blake was sent out 
Teacher : DENICE, GET OUT!!

Once I got out of the class, Blake was waiting for me at the staircase with that cheeky smile on his stupid face. haha.

Oh the memories…what fun we had. :)  

Want a bite?

Stuck at home on a Friday afternoon. Bummer.
My cousin doesn't want to go outside because she doesn't have any money left on her while i don't want to go out because I don't want to spend ANY cash at all. Saving up for a new camera, that's why.
So we decided to bake. And here's the outcome. :)

I'm depressed but i have no reason to be. If I try to find out what is depressing me... I'd be even more depressed, worse than what i was already feeling.
I don't really know. I feel like I should be missing someone but I don't. Like as if he isn't worth my time anymore. Why should i bother with someone who never fought for me? Why should I bother with someone who doesn't even try to continue the conversation?

Why should I believe your words anymore? If you really miss me or if you were really trying to stay friends, you would have tried to continue the conversation. Until you actually show me that you're trying, you're a stranger. Unworthy.
I'm being a snob? Yes. I've always been a snob, in fact.
I thought typing my thoughts out would somehow make me feel better... I was wrong.
I'm just gonna sleep this off.

A Self Reminder.

I should stop focusing on the steps that I have to take to reach my goals.

I shouldn't stare into the abyss and visualize or estimate the giant leap

 that I'll have to take.

 No, that view will only keep me from taking the next small step.

It's scary to make major changes in life,

 but we usually have enough courage to take the next right step. 

One step after another. 

That's what it takes to get what your heart desires. 

Be it peace, happiness, success or love, remember to take one step at a time.

Yes, that's me in my pajamas, eating ice cream. Only means one thing. Sadness reigns.
That's my cousin in the background. She's busy watching bones. 

I'm going to try and do what Ate Jhe-ann recommended me to do; Open up more. The sticky note is in my Journal. 

The thing is, I know that I have friends and family to open up to but it's still hard for me to voice out my thoughts and emotions. In the end, I'd usually keep it bottled up and let it evolve into a mental illness or a self-destructive habit. 

Save me. Save me from myself.

Whenever I'm crying,

I would wish that I was with Blake (Best friend of mine). Not as a lover, but as a person who'd hold me and just listen to whatever it is I have to say and not take it to heart. And I know Blake, after saying whatever it is I have to say, he would make fun of me and, somehow, make me smirk or smile again. I would wish that I was where he is; on a farm in Australia, away from the city. Where the stars fill the night sky. 

Blake says that there wasn't a way to get to the roof but if I were there, I would find a way up there and  just stare at the stars. That'll be enough to stop my tears from rolling down my cheeks. Or I would just sit on the hammock in the backyard, with a drink in my hand and just look up at the night sky and listen to the sounds the animals in the farm makes. 

Oh how peaceful it all seems in my head.. I just wish it was real, you know? 

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to quit and give up?

Those days where all you want to do is stay under the covers and do nothing at all, not even to breath. I'm starting to scare myself. I mean, I woke up today and this is my first though, " Shit, I'm still alive."

I know I should appreciate being alive, especially with the many occasions when I nearly died. But I don't know..I'm just tired. Tired of this charade that I've been playing for years. I feel like I should stop lying to everyone and just say that " No, I'm not fine. Why would I be fine? Try having the doctor tell you that the tumor would never come back, only for it to return 2 years later. Would you be fine? "

I don't know how to put it, it's like I want to die however I want to live. Temporary death = sleep. But one can't stay in slumber forever. I want to die because I'm tired. I'm tired of people leaving me. I'm tired of friends parting with me. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of emotions. I'm tired of deadlines. I'm tired of all the family problems. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of being TIRED! I just want everything to end. I just want everything to stop for a moment to just let me breath. But that can never happen because time waits for no man.

Each day, I stand on top of my building and think... What if I just take one more step off the ledge? What if I just pretend that I'm bungee jumping again, pretending that there's a cord to save me from death and just jump? Why would anyone care if I'm dead?

I'll stop blogging here.

whimsicallywonderful.tumblr.com

Shall be blogging from there from now on. Reason is that I can put countless thoughts and emotions on that blog. And Tumblr has many pictures to help me describe how I feel, what i wish to do, what i hope to do and what I hope to achieve.

Let's just say, if you really really want to know what's going on in my head and in tune with how I'm feeling... My tumblr describes it the best.

Just another busy day

Haish. I came on time for the meeting but everyone else was late.

Spent the afternoon with Amirul. Had lots of fun. Even though most of the time he was using computer,  leaving me to use the desktop which reminded me why I never used the desktop in the first place, to watch Broken Vow ( a filipino drama). I freaked when I found out that he used my phone to call Tedd, tried to disable my phone AND when he kept taking super unglam candid photos of me using my phone. If only I grabbed his phone and threatened him with it. Then it would have been fair, but I didn't because he was constantly texting someone. I suspect it was Kat. Yea...should be Kat. He seems to enjoy watching me suffer. haha! Bully me only! tsk! :P

Creative team meet up in CAEC. Yes, I skipped work again. This time saying that I had tonsillitis. I honestly had it the previous day. I really really need to drink more water.

Creative team meet up went according to how I thought it would be. Slacking for the first hour and then serious work when it's nearing the time of returning home. Nathaniel and I spent a few mins searching for the security code for the wifi in Kuya Mike's office. Turns out that Kuya Mike actually memorized the security pin. NOW IT'S ON MY COMPUTER NOTES! ( Just saying) hehehe! Priscilla and Miles kept asking me to guess what their friends are drawing for them because I could guess very well. According to Niel, Miles and Pris.... I was very very good at the game. So I shall try and play it! because I can!

The touch ups and designs that were put together were really really nice. I felt as though Patricia did most of them though. I was just lolly-gagging around and playing around with Photoshop Elements. 

Finally figured out how to do this!! YES!!!

I do indeed have WAAAY too much free time. Alright well... This is what I found on tumblr.

CFC-Youth 30 Day Challange

Day 1 - Tell us about your first camp.

Day 2 - Do you remember your first CC?

Day 3 - When was your first conference?

Day 4 - Most memorable camp

Day 5 - Most memorable conference

Day 6 - Who is a/are brother(s) or sister(s) that inspires you the most?

Day 7 - How are you saving up for conference/camp?

Day 8 - What’s your favorite way to serve God?

Day 9 - If you have given a talk/share, what was it like?

Day 10 - What’s your prayer schedule?

Day 11 - What was the most recent event you have gone to?

Day 12 - Name a sister/brother that you recently got closer to.

Day 13 - Who’s your current CC? None? Really?

Day 14 - Favorite worship/praise song and why.

Day 15 - If you can remember, what was the very first song you learned at your first camp?

Day 16 - What would have to be your favorite session/talk at any CFC-Youth event?

Day 17 - Rep your state and region… NOW!

Day 18 - How did you become part of the community?

Day 19 - Favorite way of fellowship.

Day 20 - I remember… (continue it)

Day 21 - What would life be like if you did not join the community?

Day 22 - I love the brothers/sisters because…

Day 23 - What would you pack for camp/conference/precon/ Discovery camp/ etc?

Day 24 - What is one vision that you have for your state/cluster/chapter?

Day 25 - Where would you like conference to be hosted?

Day 26 - Name that one brother/sister to honor and why

Day 27 - Dear God, ……

Day 28 - I love my state/cluster/chapter because…..

Day 29 - Favorite bible verse

Day 30 - When you move on from the community, what will you take away from CFC-Youth?

I feel like doing it. However, I've never actually completed any of the 30 day challenges on tumblr. So I'm having a debate with myself...YAY or Nay? :/


Tomorrow, I am torn between.... Going to play basketball with Amirul and his friend or learning how to skate with Farhan and John John. Let's just see what's my mood tomorrow yea? haha. It's been a VERY long time since I've played basketball. 

There are times that I forget.

I haven't been blogging as much as I've been writing it down in my journal instead. There are times when I forget that my blog is opened for the public to view as they please.
So if I haven't been blogging here, I certainly have been scribbling on my little notebook.

Today was a rather hectic day for me.

1. Manicure and Pedicure with cousin
2. Lunch date
3. Meet Jasmine to collect my pay
4. Hang out with Tasha, Tessa and Dillon
5. Family Culture Dry Run

In the end, I didn't manage to go for the Dry run. THOUGH I know how important it was... Family comes first. Sorry guys. :/ I'll try get an early leave from work tomorrow so I will be able to be at choice at 6pm. OMG, all the way in Lakeside :(