YEEESSSS! I got a B in science! 

I'm extremely happy about that because I'm really really bad in Science. This is my first Daily Grade, and I was expecting a C or a D. The topic was about blood transfusion, which I know absolutely nothing about. I never took bio when I was in secondary school. 

So glad. Now I have to maintain that grade. OK CAN! 

I'm going back to my self-celebratory party now. teehee!  

Time for a change

I'm falling apart. The strong front that I've managed to pull of for years has weakened. It started feeling worse when Kuya Mike saw right through me... It was rather scary because I barely speak to him and he saw right through my "mask".

But he was right though. I have to stop running away from my problems, open up more, put down the mask and just be myself. I shouldn't be trying so hard and pushing myself to feel appreciated and loved because they already do. I may not feel like they do because I'm the one who is pushing everyone away. I'm the one who is trying to run away from pain. I'm the one who is causing my own solitude. 

Let's try and change things, shall we? 

These people came to my house for a movie night. I had to rush from woodlands to simei because they were waiting for my arrival to enter the house. 

In the end, Dillon, Charles, Christine and Tasha were late. The movie night was a fail as we didn’t even complete the movie. We stopped it at a certain point and ate pizza, that my mom ordered. 

After eating, everyone entered my room and turned it into a club. They toyed with the Christmas lights in my room and blasted music.

Even though I was super tired, I love these people and it was great to see them again. 

ILC

HEY! I'm finally back from ILC.
Here are some photos

My first ever ILC! whoo!!!!  I didn't get to say much when it was my turn to share. Honestly, I'm a very soft spoken person. I would usually just stand in a corner and keep quiet. I just kept pushing myself to communicate and be crazy because I wanted to feel accepted and loved.  Mainly because I didn't feel comfortable sharing. Nope. I don't really share or open up much. I just answer the question and shut up.

Alright! Honestly, the best experience would be ALL the activities from ILC. Reason? Look at us. So many people from different countries all together in Aklan for the same purpose. To worship God. To strengthen our faith. TO FEEL HEALED BY THE LORD. To feel his presence. I really did feel his presence. I felt it in everyone in ILC. EVERYONE. I don't really know how to explain it. But I really did feel his presence in the people that I manage to communicate with. The seasons were so moving and so very true ( Especially for the girls one).

During the praise and worship seasons, i received this psalm.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. -Psalm 73:26

Receiving that psalm meant so much to me. Because it reminded me that all I need was God's love. It reminded me that God will forever love me.

I've been meaning to go for ILC since I first joined YFC. During that time, my faith in God was pretty strong but something told me that it wouldn't be for long. So I made it a priority to go for ILC in 2012. In 2012, my faith started getting weaker in January. With all the family issues, heartaches and deaths, I started to lose faith in God. I started to question him again. I started to not trust him. But then, going to ILC made me realize that God only gives me things that I can handle. He would never give me a problem that's too big for me to handle.

I feel so blessed to be able to go for ILC. I feel so blessed to know people from YFC!

  

Truth be told.

Honestly, when I entered polytechnic, getting into a new relationship was out of my mind. My friends would often as me if there was a guy that I found cute during camp. No. My answer is no. I didn't look around. I wasn't interested. And I doubt that I'd want to be in a new relationship this soon.
Some teenage love lasts. Yes. However, majority of teenage love usually ends on a bad note. During the break ups, teenage love is the ugliest of them all. One of the reasons I rather be alone... I'M THOSE UNLUCKY ONES WHO LIVES WHERE TEENAGE LOVE NEVER LASTS AND ENDS WITH PAIN.

I'm tired of heartbreaks. I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of being hurt by a guy. I'm tired of caring and loving someone who would eventually feel nothing for me! I'd rather wait for the one that God has in store for me while I just do my best to enjoy the life that he has given me.

I don't think you understand the meaning of courting. When I say, you have to court me first, it means that you'd have to attract my attention. You'd have to gain my love. You HAVE to outshine the other guys that might possibly be courting me as well.
I do not have to stay focused on your courtship, I do not have to stay loyal to you and I certainly will not block out the others who are trying.
Do your best and in the end, it's still my call. I call the shots for this one. What's life without a little competition eh? Don't like it? Then scram!

Courting is not "in the process". It's "the big chase", if you'd like me to phrase it that way.

Happy Easter!

Yes, that's my handwritting. shhh!

I attended a joint PA today. It was wonderful to see thw YFCs again.
Today is Easter day. Jesus is risen from the dead.. One of the CFCs or SFCs talked about forgiveness during PA. Jesus died on the cross for our sins and has forgiven us. The least we could do was to forgive all trespasses that was imposed against us.

I'm the type of person who holds grudges, thus it is rather hard for me to be the bigger person and forgive the person who has wronged me. But they're right. We must forgive each other for whatever wrong doing that has been done, no matter how big or painful the fault. 

So from this day forth, everyone that I know starts on a fresh page. All previous faults are forgiven and forgotten. Happy Easter everybody

Dinner date with my mother

Honestly, it's been a while since my mother and I went out alone.

It's been a while since I went out with my mother. Honestly, even though we fight a lot and have tons of misunderstandings, I miss hanging out with her. I mean, just her and I. No one else. Just some mother and daughter time. I found it extremely hilarious when the both of us walked out of our rooms and we were both wearing vests. 

I love my mother. She was a gift from God. No. She IS a gift from god and forever will be. I love my mother. Though there are times where I would dislike her, all in all, I love my mother. She has been there for me through everything. She has loved me even at my worst attitudes. She is the one who guides me as I grow up, ensuring that I've been brought up properly. I love you, mommy. I love you so much : D

You know who you are.

Come, let's meet and have a chat. 

Let's start from square one. From being nothing but mere facebook friends, wanting to know more about each other to a hi-bye friend to whatever.

Let's just talk again and see how it goes, see if it'll end for the better or for the worse. 

But remember one thing, I'm not the same girl that you left. I'm not the girl that wants you back as badly as I once did. My feelings for you aren't the same. 

So let's talk, stranger.
Let's get to know each other better. Again..

Forgive me for the previous post. I was just ranting out because my mother managed to upset me, once again. She managed to upset me about the matters of boyfriends. Thus why I recalled my ex. yea... 

I like being alone, sometimes. When you're alone, there won't be anybody to ridicule you, or hurt you. That's what I love about being alone. 

But then, I'd see a happy couple or two close friends just chatting and laughing away. Then I'd miss the company of others. Miss having someone to shall all those happy and sad moments with.

When I see that, I'd remember why I hate solitude so much. But whenever I'm with someone, I'd remember why I preferred being alone.

What if everything that you've been telling yourself for months is a big lie? A lie that I don't care how he's doing. I don't care how he's happier without me. I don't care how easy it was for him to move on.  I don't care. I don't care. I don't care!

Because that's what I'm living on right now. A lie that I don't miss him anymore. A lie that i don't want to be friends with him. A lie that I don't want to see him. A lie that he was not everything to me.  It's all just a huge fucking lie!

I'm just so done with this charade. I thought that if I say those words to myself then one day, maybe one day I'd believe those words. One day I'd really not care about him. One day I'd just live my life with that false reality that you meant nothing to me. I thought it would work because of the quote " You are what you think you are." So I thought if i could somehow make myself believe that I've moved on, then I would. But it's been a few months and I still haven't convinced myself.

Honestly, I haven't moved on. I don't know how to move on. I just pushed him away. Removed him from all social networks and my phone just so I wouldn't see him. In hopes that one day, I'd forget him. But that's kinda stupid of me, I don't forget people. But that's how I deal with things, usually. I push them away. I shove all my problems under the rug and pretend that they never existed, like how I shoved him there.

Blessed

Youth For Christ.

SOI Freshman Camp 

I'm proud to say that I have 2 big huge, un-blood related families.
The YFC family and the SOI family :)

What others think of you is none of YOUR business

What others think of you is none of YOUR business

It doesn't matter what people call you, at the end of the day, what matters the most is what you decide to answer to. I've had many criticisms and mean, nasty names given to me over the years; you're stupid, you're ugly, you're a maid, you're just a stupid Filipino, you're a bitch and so many more. Yes, at first it was very very tough to ignore those comments. There was a point in time when i actually believed them. I actually believed I was stupid, ugly and useless. But one day, I questioned myself, " Why are you letting other people define who you are?? Fine, they know your name but do they know what you've been through? Do they know your identity?? Do they know you from deep within??"

That's when I realized that I needed nobody's opinion except my own. I need not the compliments of others to make myself feel better. I also need not the criticisms of others to bring me down. Their opinions aren't any of my concern.

So whenever I get criticized, I would simply remember my identity, what I would answer to. The secret to be free from criticism, gossip, judgment, doubt and the opinion of others is HUMILITY.
Not humiliation. That helps no one.

I used to not know the difference between the two words until I read a book. It said

Humility is perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is to never be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble

Perpetual quietness of the heart. To be at peace with oneself. That is what i truly want in life. To be at peace when nobody praises me. That's true freedom
Life isn't a performance, a popularity contest or a conquest for clothes, praise, awards, titles and degrees. In the end, would it all matter? Would you bring all those with you after death? No. George Straight sang a song saying that we don't bring anything with us, and we can't take anything back to our maker.

One way to stay focused on what truly matters is to create a personal mission. A personal mission statement upon which you would truly base your life on. For me, I spent a few hours a day in reflection. I close my eyes and think about what I would want my life to have meant at the end.

I am simply a child of god, as valuable and treasured as every other child of god. More precious than all the riches of the earth. Not the best, not the worst and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me.

The only day worth living is today

Do not think of the past, do not worry about the future. Just focus on the present. Focus on living the life you wish to. Start living today by doing all the things that you've been meaning to try.  For too long have I been reminiscing about the past. Thinking of the things that I could have done, what should have been done and my mistakes. I need to realize, the past is the past. I need to give up any hope of making the past better because there is only 1 way time goes. Forward.
Not backwards, not sideways, not loop-de-loop but forward. And that's the only way it will go no matter how hard you wish it didn't.

You'll never be as young as you are at this very very moment. So why waste it being depressed? Smile.

Hey peeps! I just came home from my freshman camp in Republic Poly.

I just woke up. Slept at 9pm and woke up at 10++am. That's the first time I've actually slept that long FYI. 

Well, the Freshman camp was fun. Tiring but fun. There were many activities that involved running. I couldn't even feel my legs once I arrived home. haha. I'm going to get leg muscles. Whoop!

I've met wonderful friends, had a wonderful time.