I do that. I'd worry about something and I'd picture the worst case scenario... let's just say it's not good.
Like how I worry about Blake getting an epileptic attack...gosh D: 

So many people think that I'd only want to go overseas for university so i could get closer to Blake. But that's not true, there's so many other reasons to it.
One if it, is to escape my parents. I was reminded of this reason earlier on when we were in the car. We were on our way home from a movie called, The Dark Knight Rises. And my mom asked if we'd like to head home instead of going to Macs. My brother said, " Anything" but i said, " yea."
My mom didn't hear me as i saw her looking towards my direction, so i just nodded and said yea again, assuming that she saw and heard me. I was wrong... And she asked a third time. This time I said yes a little louder. Again she didn't hear me over the sound of music in the car.
So my dad had to intervene and shout,"HOY! Answer the question and don't be rude by not answering it!"
So I laughed to myself and just calmly said," I said yes 3 times. " Then I got reprimanded the whole journey home about being rude.

So it's my fault for them not hearing what i said? My mom wants to slap me for something i didn't do. Just bloody hell do it.
She says she's been tolerating me for such a long time, well my gosh. There's something we have in common. I've been tolerating her for a LONG time as well.
Why do you think I want to go overseas for Uni? Why do you think I have soo many dreams about moving out of THIS house?
My mother doesn't know how many times she's made me cry, and she doesn't have to know. The name calling, the critiques, the tone she talks to me in, the way where she hears but never listens and the accusations that she believes is true.

Fine. I'm "rude". But she can't tell me that she didn't raise me to be this way. YOU WERE AT WORK MOST OF MY LIFE. The maids know me better than my own blood related mother. My mom has to find out things about me via my maid.

You know my personality, mom. BUT you don't know how i'm feeling. There isn't any more diaries that i write nor blogs that I let you know of. Why do i do that?
Because you would reprimand me about my thoughts and feelings. The main point of a blog or diary is to write personal feelings in it. As a way to release ugly emotions. But no. I stopped that at the age of 7. I had no way of releasing all these bad and ugly emotions. I kept it all in and now.... Now i don't know how to keep it all in.
I'm angry, I'm hurt and I just want to break down and cry in front if my parents and just tell them how I feel but I can't. I can't. I just can't!
They won't understand....
They never understand.....

They think that studying overseas is a dream? To me, it's possible and it's my only escape.

Solitude

Here in my solitude I shall remain, 

For outside these walls is too much pain, 

The pain I feel is still the same in here, 

But it's easier to conceal when others are near. 

I do have friends that I keep close by, 

but only a few has seen me cry. 

Very few knows how I feel inside

Happiness, Joy are feeling that have died. 

Here, in solitude I shall remain, 

Far away from things that bring me pain.

Drowning these emotions and hiding my fear,

but in all honesty, I've always wanted you near. 

I stumbled upon his old tumblr account. 
Though it’s full of grammatical error and has a lack of punctuation, I still managed to understand what he’s trying to say. 

Stumbling upon that, it just made me realize how lonely he truly is… and how ‘in love’ he was with Lisa. 
How alone he feels and how much he fears that. Nobody likes solitude, even if he enjoys the quiet. I wish I could just sit by him. Two of us just enjoying each other’s company without saying a word. *sigh* if only eh?

I wish I can see, or even share, his pain. So at least he wouldn’t be going through this alone. Ever since he moved, he doesn’t have many people to talk to since he’s “in the middle of nowhere” and is so far from the city or civilization. 

Honestly, I’m sort of lonely as well.  
Having this pain inside that no one could see, because I mask it with a smile. Oh gosh, the amount of pain a smile could cover up. The thing is, I don’t know how to express that pain, I don’t know how to properly take it out of my system and be happy with my life.

Manipulation

Here is what i have been up to! Photomanipulation effects:

Attempt 1

Attempt 2

Attempt 3

Attempt 4

Well, I haven't been blogging much.
There were so much going through my head that I didn't know how to put it in words. The longer I went without letting my thoughts out in some way, the more confused I gotten.
Heck, I almost broke up with Blake a couple of times even though I want him to be by my side. I don't know why I called it. I guess it's from listening to what others say, and how much they doubt that we would work out or from the pain long distance brings. Pain because of the lack of communication and to me, in a relationship; any relationship. Communication is key. 

Yesterday, I was about to end everything with Blake. Obviously, Blake didn't want a break up so he asked me a couple of questions. 

1) Are you sure you want to do this?
2) What are your doubts and who/what brought them up?

3) The first time I met you, you were as stubborn as a rock and as hard headed as ever. You never listened to what others have to say, so why start now?

It kind of annoys me that he was speaking so slowly and calmly while we were talking. But then again, when he speaks like it, it somehow calms me down. He loves to talk like that whenever I get worked up, pissed off, upset and ect..

I've also asked him some things, things like " You do know that you're not really putting this last chance to good use?" and " You're not really proving that you're worth it to me..if you hadn't noticed." and "Do you realize that you're not even showing me that you deserve my trust back?"

It shocked me when he said, " Mainly that's because, I DON'T deserve it. Not at all, not after what I did."

But we worked things out...i guess... :/ 

I just have to STOP listening to what others say and just believe in myself, and that this relationship will work. Both of us will make it work in one way or another. 

I'm getting sick and tired of school. OKAY, perhaps it's not the school. Perhaps it's the people.
I just really don't feel like I fit into the class.
I'm afraid that people would find me annoying or whatever. However, if I keep up the way I am at the moment, well... I wouldn't even have many friends in the school.

I'm debating if I should make the best of a bad situation or if I should just waste a year to transfer to a new course that more suited for me.
But I have to think hard for this because I'm doing well for Programming ( which is a big part of IT.) Maybe IT is my true calling and not Art.

*sigh* So much doubt. So much fear of the future..
I MUST choose wisely.

thoughts

I've pretty much planned out my whole life. Though things don't go according to how I planned it, but still.
I mean, I didn't plan on getting in to Changkat Primary or Bedok Town Secondary or Republic Poly... But at least I managed to get into Primary, Secondary and Collage.
You know what I mean?...

When I was younger, I would only plan to graduate to poly/secondary. I've never really planned out on WHICH institute I would enter into. It's like...If I manage to get into a school then I'm happy because at least I'm moving forward.
Now, I'm thinking about advancing to University. I know it may be too early to plan for it but I want to have a target to aim for while I'm in Poly.
So far I've aimed for NUS or NTU. That requires me to have a GPA of 4.0 ( Which is VERY difficult. Not Impossible but difficult. )

Worst case scenario, Plan B would be going to Australia to continue my studies. I'll try to enter in Australian National University ( Canberra), University of Melbourne, University of Queensland or University of Western Australia (Perth).

It's not that it's a bad thing, moving to Aus. But it's just called a "worst case" because I really really don't want to give up my lifestyle in Singapore. I'm too used to it... I mean, I've been living in Singapore for 12 years, moving to a completely new place is scary. Even though I have friends in Aus; Tory, Blake, Cody, Jaska, Darrille ( YFC ), Monicarea ( YFC), Christine, Trent, Makenzie ( alright she's not really a friend. Blake's sister), Kara and a few more, it's still really really scary to move there. Even though some part of me wants to move to Australia so that I'll be able to hold Blake, I still rather not. Long Distance is really killing me man... I hate it.
No parents, No friends( THAT I KNOW WELL). It's like starting to live all over again...this time, on your OWN.  

But most likely, the latter would occur. Unless I study SUPER SUPER hard...which I hope I'll be able to maintain for another 3 years in Poly. *fingers crossed*

Argh!

Hey guys, this was me a few moments ago...
I was bored so I thought about continuing my studies after Poly.
I got depressed as I search through the Local Universities and finding out a back up plan IF I couldn't enter them.
I'd go to Australia. UQ. University of  Queensland. HOWEVER, school fees are outrageous. They are around AUD$30 000 for 2 semesters. And there are 6 semesters there. SO it's very expensive.
That doesn't involve the lodging, food and everything else okay!?

SO i was searching about the subsidies and scholarships in UQ. I even asked Trent, Blake's cousin that studies in UQ, about the school, method of paying and the courses of the school.

Actually, I was only going through the alternatives because I've somewhat lost hope of ever continuing my studies. I'm not a smart person, nor am I talented so I don't know where I'd be able to go when I venture into the real world. In school, I've been slacking off lately...I've actually gotten a D. A D! OMG HOW TO MAINTAIN MY GRADE NOW D:
In the end, I helped motivated myself to reach my target of a GPA of 4.0 because
1) I don't want to go to AUS and give up my pampered life
2) It's majorly expensive compared to Singapore. Also, I won't know if the course is recognizable.
3) It's too early to plan for Uni.

LAte post

HEY! I haven't been blogging here for a while because I've forgotten the password. yea...
I need to write down my passwords in a log book or smth. I'll look for a new book by next week when I get my allowance back. I'm practically broke now because I loaned Azeera $50.

Here's today's post

Photo A Day
Day 4: FUN.  

This is the game that our team, Team 1; James, Eunice, Shahril, Fadliah and I; made. The amoeba game. 
This is a game that helps to teach Bruce Tuckman’s team building method. Forming, Storming, Norming and Performing. 

Forming = being acquainted with team members
Storming = brain storming for ideas to help complete the task/activity at hand
Norming = this is where most of the team argues, but this is the process whereby they have to compromise and tolerate each other so as to work as a team.
Performing = With the other 4 factors, the team would be able to perform perfectly and accomplish their task.  

Honestly, it was so fun to watch the rest of the class screaming and trying their best to win the games. Adorable actually. I have to admit there are times where I would really dislike the class for their little habits, but I’m glad I met them :) They’re all great people. 

You see, this is how they went through the 5 stages. 
Forming : they already know each other since we've been in the same class for a few months now.

Storming: This is when they start to argue. They were arguing about who goes on top, who are the bases, who becomes the cell wall and how to maneuver their way to the pillar. 

Norming : When the team finally decided on a way to run the race. This means the team is finally on the same page and is working towards a goal. 

Performing: As name states, the way they carry out the task. Jamie's group wins btw. 

Adjourning: Everyone leaves for break.