I shall warn all of you now, my sentences may not link up. 

OKAY,
Today's lesson is Science and we're learning Chemistry today. The subject I hate the most is Chemistry. We're learning about polarity and crap..ick. THIS IS WHY CHEMISTRY AND I BROKE UP LONG AGO!

I'm like..so tempted to go for Partial. I know it would reflect badly on my grades, and that it's not the right thing to do, but I'm really really tempted to...like, seriously. I'm planning many excuses to actually leave the class.. there's headache, tummy ache and dental appointment. I don't know if i'm actually going to do it though.

Because if I really do go for partial, then I wouldn't be able to get my GPA 4.0.
or get a minimun of a GPA of 3.5.

I just really hate Chemistry......

Lazy to type, Lazy to write..so I'll make a video log!

I don't get why some people find it funny to be super rude to a facilitator/teacher/adult.
I mean, who do you think you are? They're still older...show some bloody respect. sheesh.

I mean, fine, joke around with them. But remember that there's a line between joking and just being plain disrespectful. If you think it's funny, no it's not.
It just shows how immature you are, it also makes people question your upbringing.

Makes me feel like slapping the person. I'm sorry but not showing respect just really ticks me off.

It's really obvious when my parents are fighting. My dad would be sleeping on the couch, he wouldn't join us for dinner and he wouldn't speak to my mom.
Also, whenever I asked why he was sleeping there, he would make up an excuse and say, " Oh, I was studying the new language of programming." or " Our room's air-con is too cold, my leg would hurt when I wake up." and all those excuses.

It's been 3 days since they were fighting, and it's scary because they've never fought for that long before. I mean, they fight, but they usually make up on the night itself.
Yesterday, my mom came into my room to rant out and I found out why she was so angry at my dad. Oh what secrets could do in a relationship.
It's just kinda sad that my dad doesn't want to acknowledge that he was in the wrong and say sorry to my mom. It's also kinda sad that he is happily giving money to his sister instead of providing for his OWN family.
He's like, happily giving away thousands of dollars to his sister while we're in Singapore saving money.. HELLO, We're not saving money to provide them the cash and it's not like living in Singapore is cheap either.

If they bloody need money, they better find a job soon. Sell corn on the streets or something, I don't know! I just want them to stop depending on us so much to give them money!

HEY! Look what I made during Science class. I was really really bored and upset. I only draw whenever I am upset. I'm not really sure how to draw a tiger, because of the stripes, I was afraid that I'd go over board and destroy my creation. But i know there is a line of symmetry and that one of it's stripes are usually lined together. 

Anyways, I talked to Blake all night via Skype and I just realized how comfortable I am whenever I'm talking to him and stuff. Gosh, I miss him so much... I feel kinda bad that he is using AUD$1.5K to come to Singapore to visit me for just a week when he could use that money to buy a laptop (which he really needs), which is around AUD$3K. 

Proclaim the goodness of the lord. PRAISE THE LORD.

I've just arrived home from a super successful youth camp. It was one of the biggest camps that we've ever had, consisting of 46 new members.
We didn't count the one last year because everyone was forced by Father Johnson. Yes, these 46 people came to this camp because they wanted to.

Before camp started, I was very very nervous. I was nervous that I wouldn't be a good DGL, afraid that I would mess up, afraid that I can't make my participants enjoy the camp and ect. I had so many doubts, especially when it came to the pray-over session. I was afraid because it was my first time being a DGL. I didn't know what to expect or anything. In the end, I just let go and let the holy spirit guide me in doing what I had to do.

I was also very afraid of my sharing for the 3rd talk. I really didn't want to cry in front of all these people. And in the end, I didn't even used the things that I wanted to say in my script. I just said everything out. Just an unprepared, impromptu  sharing that my mind made up while I was standing up there. I shared about how I broke my mother's trust, how I've been treating my brother, how I've been destroying the temple of god (My body) by consuming and abusing painkillers, and how I am trying to repent for all of them.

Honestly, I don't really like sharing about my life. I have many things to share, yes. But I just don't want to. I rather keep them to myself because most of them are quite shameful. The thing is, I don't open up. I don't want to. I don't want to let anyone in because I'm afraid that they would judge me. I am afraid that they would hurt me. But YFC has taught me that, it's okay if your past is shameful, they're not there to judge. They are there to guide and help you in the path of Christ. And if you're in the path of Christ, you're also on the pathway to happiness. 

I loved my group. My group has Joey (Julia), Chloe and Samantha. They were pretty open, and they were much closer compared to how my friends and I were when we had our camp in '09. Chloe and Samantha were already close because they were cousins, so I had to somehow find a way to make them also include Joey in their discussions. By the 2nd day, they were a lot closer to each other, prank-texting random guys about that they like them. So mean right? haha. Each of my members said that during the camp, they've felt the presence of God. They felt like the Lord was with them, right there, reminding them that he loves them. 

Kuya Mike kept mentioning Allen and James.
1) Allen is a Christian however, he still managed to feel the presence of God. He still went to confession and participated in every activity that we had. Praise the Lord for him. 

2) James. The only time he has been to church was when he was a kid. This would be the first time he has gone to mass in 10 years or so. This is also the first time he has gone for confession. So when I asked him about it, he said " It felt good. It felt so right. During the confession, I felt like this heavy burden is gone from my shoulders and I can just start fresh." I am so proud of him. So proud that I actually cried during the worship when Kuya said that it was James who was the person that mentioned that to him. 

I want to honor Ate Phil and Kuya Kevin for planning the whole camp, they worked so hard to ensure this camp was a success. Lord, thank you for blessing us with your presence. We've all felt you in one way or another during this camp and I just want to thank you.

But I guess, that all i have to say is. God blessed our yfc community with  46 new members, 46 new brothers and sisters. So excited to see them on the 1st July for their first ever PA session. 

PRAISE THE LORD!

See you guys soon! Love you!
Oh I love you. YFC Original Song

LEO is always down, it’s so annoying. I was in the middle of doing my RJ, Quiz and evaluation when BOOM! It crashed. It's like...LEO is crashing every night. it's really starting to get on my nerves. THIS is why I don't like it when everything is online.
On the other hand, I have other things to do.

Before the camp:
1) Pack my bags for Youth Camp
2) Buy supplies for decorating E-Night
3) Design the wall for E-night.

During the camp:
1) Arrive and help out.
3) Learn how to speak in tongues
3) Await the arrival of the new YFCs.
4) Do RJ, Quiz, Evaluation.
5) Paint the freedom wall. I can do that at night when I'm suppose to be sleeping. OK CAN. 

AHHHHH! And what’s worse is that my friend is always telling me that he is unsure about going for the youth camp. All that was in my thoughts were, ” OMG JUST SHUT UP! If you want to go for the camp then go, if you don’t then don’t! Don’t even tell me about it!”

Actually, I kinda stressed out about this. Doesn’t help that I’m in the middle of UTs ( Understanding tests), Service learnings, Talks and ect. 

Today I couldn’t even make the household training or the dry run because I have school and exams. The training was from 9am - 5pm. But i couldn’t go because I have school at 8.30am - 3.30pm. Then Exams at 4.45pm - 5.30pm

Dry Run at 5pm. But I had a dialogue with Rexaz from 5.30pm - 7pm.

SO I’m pretty much missing out on a lot of things before camp starts. So nervous. So scared. So unprepared. 

Honestly, I'm still amazed at how hanging out with the YFCs could just make me forget about my problems and just live the moment.

During the Dinner&Dance, CFC 25th Anniversary, I was depressed because of the depleting messages shared between Blake and I. After a while, I forgot about that. Not really forgot, per say. But I learnt how to just not let it affect me. Instead I was just dancing ( horribly ) with the rest of the YFCs on the dance floor, just enjoying myself. Laughing, dancing crazily, jumping around. 

I was upset about it because it felt like I was losing him. The more we don't communicate, the further away we get. 

But most of my friends advice me to "give him some space." and just wait for his reply. Don't send him another message until he replies..or until I won't be bothered when he doesn't reply to my messages instantly. I'm sorry, I'm too used to him replying very quickly to my messages and requests. 

This didn't bother me before, so why should it bother me now?

It affects me a lot when he doesn't even talk to me for 1 day. Why?
In one of my relationships, that's how it started going downhill. Then again, why should I worry, right? He's not even mine to begin with.

There are times where we act like lovers. But i don't really know what we are. He asked me to marry him.. but of course I told him to ask me that in another 10 years. Oh but he knows what I'll say. He knows me too well and he seems confident of 'this', whatever this is, would last for that long.

Honestly, I was skeptical when he told me years ago that in 2012 he would still love me.
I was only reminded about that when he said, " HA! And you thought this relationship can't even make it to 3 years."
Well it didn't, didn't it? After 1 year... He cheated on me with Amy. Then the next girl was Lisa, Lydia, April and Rachel.

Our friendship was compromised when he was together with Lisa. Blake just obeyed everything she said and he started becoming this whole other person that I don't even know. So i started to distance myself from him.
When i didn't talk to him for a week, it finally hit him. He came back to me, and left Lisa. But i never trusted him from that day onward. Feelings fluxed... though they are on the mend..

I refuse to let myself be hurt by him again.
i remember him saying this to me:

Blake: I'm afraid for you.

Me: why? 

Blake: I'm afraid of me. I'm afraid that I'll hurt you again.

Well, I'm sad to say that he has hurt me.. many times actually.
Best advice? Walk away from it all.

 

Study + Bonding

Well, i went out with my brother to study together. Mainly because when I trusted him to do his English homework in his room, he turned out to be using his computer. 

For me, I can't seem to focus or pay attention when I'm at home because the urge to sleep or slack would be too great. So I decided to go Starbucks and bring my little brother along to study.

I managed to finish Chapter 2 and learn about the Values, types, statements, keywords, operators, operands  and expressions. Including the difference of when I'm using interactive mode and script mode. Yes, I'm starting from the basics again. Because if you don't have a good foundation of the subject, you won't fully understand the topic at all. When I say I know it, it doesn't mean that i just brushed through it. I really understood what it meant. Which is a good thing to do for a UT (UNDERSTANDING Test), even though I have no idea what might come out, would happen or will be asked during the process.

After a hour or 2, we had to head home. I called for it as I noticed my brother not looking at his papers anymore but just staring out of the store. So I asked, " Can't focus anymore? Want to go home instead?".
He happily said yes to both questions. So we packed up our things and left. But before we left, I couldn't resist but to snap a photo. HEE! Old habits die hard. 

But overall, I'm glad that I'm spending some time together with my brother because in the past, I would NEVER even contemplate on doing so. My brother and I don't get along very well as I'm easily agitated by his silly non-logical questions. But then again, there are instances where I can't differentiate if he was joking or being serious.  I am glad that my brother and I are putting some time away to actually 'bond'. :)

Thank you , Lord for blessing me with a brother. Though there are times where I want to kill him or annoy me, he's still my little brother and I love him.
And with that, may god give praise :)

It's really adorable how he calms me down whenever I over react to situations. Like how my heart broke when I asked him about this girl that he liked, her name was April.

Me: Whatever happened to April?

Blake : She fell for another guy. Don't ask, please. ><

Me: That kinda hurts :(

Blake : How come? :(

Me: I feel like I'm not your first choice

Blake: Haha! You are. That's why I'm getting a plane to visit Singapore for your birthday THEN get a laptop. Even though I need a laptop more. You're always first on my list.

Me: But the way you replied when I asked about April...It's like, I don't mean as much. You know? Or am I over thinking again? 

Blake: Over thinking. She was special to me but you're not in second place. She liked the same things that I do

Me: Unlike me :(

Blake: Please Stop, Ery. You're over reacting and it hurts. You are NOT second choice. I promise.

Me: Sorry I'm not a gamer. I try to like the same things as you do...I'm trying.

Blake: *kiss* Would you watch Doctor who with me? Would you sit and watch anime or eat pizza with me? Would you hold me when I needed it? <3 That's what i would love. There are millions of gamers out there. You don't have to be one. You just have to be you. 

Tell me again why we're NOT together?

Oh right...because we made a contract to not be together until we're both in the same country. That contract is what keeps the both of us safe from feeling lonely or hurt if either one of us falls for another person.

It hurts though... knowing that any girl in Australia could take him away from me. That I'd be losing him even though he wasn't even mine to begin with. I wonder if he's feeling the same way...

I love Owl City!

Here's a little fun fact

In 2011, I forgot my own birthday. 

I was in my room, revising for my O levels which was in a few weeks/days time when my parents came home and told me to get changed as we were going to eat at some fancy shmancy restaurant. 

I got changed and dressed up as they requested. But i wasn’t till I was in the car when I asked my brother, ” What is the occasion? Why are we eating somewhere expensive??”
My brother just gave me this astonished look and asked, ” You’re pretending right? You do know what today is?”
I just starred blankly at him and repeated my question till he answered,” It’s your birthday? September 12? Ring a bell??”

My eyes widen and I realized the date and everything. I was mainly shocked that I had forgotten that it was my very own birthday. *facepalm* AND here i thought you could only forget birthdays in movies. Oh was I so wrong.