Intriguing question.

Mark asked me a very very intriguing question.

" Are you happy?" 

It took me a while to answer that question. Because I asked myself, am I? Am I really content with how things are or did I fall for the façade that I'm happy? It kind of reminded me of the quote "He wears a mask and his face grows to fit it." For me, I've been wearing that "mask" for years. I think I've somehow made it a part of me to appear happy and bubbly in front of others. But when I'm alone, misery comes right back out to how it's ugly little head and ruin my day. I'm still pondering about that question... Am I truly.. happy?.. Answer? I don't think I am. I have indeed forgotten how it feels to truly be happy. As in, over the moon happy instead of Force-out-that-smile happy. I was so good at pretending to be happy that no one knew how miserable I was during the March PA when Adil just broke my heart. I survived a week before I needed the comforting of others. I couldn't take it... I headed for a break down, and this one wasn't pretty at all. I got out of that breakdown with the help of constantly looking in the mirror and telling myself " YOU ARE HAPPY. YOU ARE HAPPY. YOU ARE HAPPY." on a daily basis. Guess it worked huh? Now I'm still confused. 


Another thing that Mark said was 

"Sometimes I wish were closer.."

Well, i do have a reason to why I'm not really close with people. Ever since I was in primary 1 till secondary 5, all of my good friends has either moved to a different country or stopped talking to me. I don't really want to get close with anyone because I'm afraid that they would walk out of my life. I'm sick and tired of getting close to someone, opening up to someone and watching that person walk out of my life. That's why if I feel that a person is getting to close....I tend to push that person away. I don't let people in.. I don't let them see my vulnerable side. Even around my boyfriend, I keep that mask up. Pretend to be strong..when I'm weak and dying on the inside. I do not want to have to depend on anyone. I mean, what if that person whom I've been dependant on leaves huh? I'll be lost. Having no idea of what to do. No... I'm not going to be that person anymore. I'm going to try to be the person that people could count on, a person who they could turn to, to be a listening ear.

I've realized that pushing people away will only make me feel alone.. And NO ONE.. no one can bear solitude. I;m not stong enough to handle the problems that life throws at me alone..

God knows I'm not....