heartbreaks...

It still hurts, knowing that I lost him.

It feels as if time stopped just so I could stay in pain. Forever having that void in me. Forever feeling like shit.

I really want him back in my arms because he was the best that I've ever gotten. He was different from my previous boyfriends.. but I treated him exactly the same. Unintentionally, of course. Tedd was better. He was a lot better than they were. I can't believe that i treated him the same.. Wait.. Actually no. There were many ways that I treated him differently from my ex's. I wouldn't have gone all the way to the other side of the country to where they would live just to meet for a few hours. I wouldn't have stayed up all night when he's still awake. I've treated him differently..... it's just the pushing away that remained the same.. I'm sorry.

I found out that I broke his trust because it seemed that I didn't trust that he would be there for me when I'm in need and my actions proved so. How? I ignored him for the whole day...

Not a smart move, I admit. I was just really really angry that day. Because I was too used to my boyfriends cancelling everything they have planned to be by my side when I said that I needed them. I was mad at him for not changing his plans to be with me.. I was not used to that..
I mean, yea, he can go out with his friends and play and stuff.... at that moment..I was just selfish and I kept thinking of myself. I'm sorry.

I know I also hurt him when he saw that I was able to tweet but not reply his SMSes... I know how that feels like. It's feels super fucked up.. Majorly fucked up. It makes the other person feel like you don't care enough to even respond to the text while you can happily be tweeting online. I'm super sorry for that too...

What's worse? I dared to accuse him of not being there for me. I stepped out of line. He was there for me, but I was too caught up with my selfishness that I didn't realize he was. I'm sorry. So sorry.  

Nobody likes being accused of something they didn't do. It's just so easy to point your finger and blame others when, in fact, you were the one at fault... I am an idiot. Now he's gone. Never wanting to be by my side. Losing all feelings for me because of what I did. But the thing is, I did trust him. I've never doubted him, ever. Yes, my actions didn't seem like I did. But I have a hard time putting how I feel and my emotions into actions. So there are times where my actions contradict what I say. I just hopes he understands that. 

I really want him back. I really really do. But he is afraid that I might hurt him again. He feels that he doesn't love me anymore. He hates me. All those thoughts, I'm sure is true and is truly heartbreaking. Very heartbreaking. He was unsure about giving me a second chance. I don't think he is willing to risk me hurting him again for the same reason. Everyone deserves a second chance, but not for a repeat of the same mistake. If he did give that second chance, I will NEVER waste it.. I'll make sure that I won't mess it up. Life without risk is a life not lived. If he's not willing to risk giving me another chance, I understand why...
But when I say that, I really wish he would... he won't regret taking that risk... 

Okay.. i want to move on.. I really do. I know how to move on. But.. there's something telling me not to. Because his actions, too, do not correspond with his words and actions.
I want to move on because, I've been very irritable lately. I don't seem to be able to enjoy my day. And I am just lost... I am lost without him. And I just really want to be found again. I want to stop hurting.

I just wish I could ask him.." Did you believe in us? "