Camera

I just realized that I haven't taken photography shots in a while. I mean, just walking out of the house with nothing but my money and my camera. Just going out, walking around the area and just snapping away. 

That's why I was so high strung for such a long time! That's what I usually do when I want to calm down. When I'm feeling upset, angry, indifferent or any negative feelings, I would take my camera and just go walk around simei and take random shots.

I shall do that soon, I shall start bringing my camera everywhere I go again.
I forgot about the photographer's rule number 1: BRING THE CAMERA EVERYWHERE YOU GO. You don't know when a picture perfect moment might just come by. 

Alright, today was eventful. Cheer leading Practice from 2pm - 6pm. Revised the basics such as double PA stand, single thigh stand, shoulder sit, shoulder stand, elevator, extension and sweeping. 

I only arrived home at 8pm. Then received a call from Dian. She wants to hire me as a permanent photographer of a business that she's starting with her friends. Well, when it comes to photography, how on earth can I say no? Photography has been my passion for years. Of course I would be highly interested about that job. :) 

Well guys, just wish me luck that I'm able to produce exemplary photos. Port Folio worthy photos to be able to present to ACE startup grant so that they could help us start up the business. :) 

So at the moment, they're just doing free party plannings for kids so that they would have enough evidence and photos to make up a good port folio :) 

Exactly how I feel.

This are the things that I'm experiencing now.
I am afraid that I have BPD(borderline personality disorder)...however it's not diagnosed. A ton of my friends said that I might have it, most of them have been friends with me for a few years now. I'm afraid that if it left not diagnosed, it will get worse and I'll might actually kill myself because of depression.

I am in love with my bestfriend. It's an issue because, if the relationship goes badly, the friendship ends on a sour note. And I never want that to happen. He's been my best friend for 3 years, both of us have feelings for each other. People has been telling me that it was worth the risk because they think it will end well. But in my mind, what if it doesn't? I can't bear to lose him. I don't want him to leave my life. I need him. Don't get me wrong, I can live without him... but I chose not to. I want him there, I want him in my life... I love him. I'm just lucky that he loves me back. <3

The only difference is, I tried to kill myself 2 times. Once at 10 and once when I was 16.
And I don't have a dog.

Long story short, I was not very welcomed when I came into Singapore. People won't talk to me, would look down on me. Would say " Don't speak to her, she's not one of us!", "Go back to Philippines!", "Why are you studying? You're just going to be another maid! " and " You're just a black dog. "
I've been hearing those comments since I was 5. One day, I just happened to believe whatever they said. I believed I was stupid, worthless, good for nothing and was only going to disappoint my parents. I imagined how they might look like if I did end up being a maid... and I just wanted to end it all before it could happen.

Yes, I realized that it was a stupid idea to actually try and kill myself because

1. It's a stupid thing to do
2. I have so much to live for. 10 was an age too young.
3. I'd be putting my parents into so much guilt and sadness.  
4. It's a damn stupid thing to even think about.
5. People who loves and cares for me will be devastated .

But let me just say one thing. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PERSON IS GOING THROUGH. To you, her/his feelings of an issue is not the same as you. Something so small to you could mean the world to the other person. This is how the other person feels, meaning you don't have the right to comment if it's stupid or unethical because this is how the OTHER person feels. You have no right in saying if the person should feel otherwise.

You can only imagine what the person is going through but you can never tell how much pain the person is going through, you don't know the amount of pain the person is feeling, you don't know how much she/he wants to escape reality just so they will stop hurting so much.

Don't forget that everyone fears death. You don't know how it's like to run a blade through your arm while you search for the damn courage to press the blade into your arm. You don't know so many things that's been going on in that person's life, so you have no right to say that it's stupid of that person to think that.
Why? Did YOU even notice the lead up to the suicide? I didn't think so.

It's kind of sad how my parents don't really know me. I mean, they know my hobbies, my style, my fashion and stuff...but they don't know my personality. 

Then again, how can they. Both of my parents have to work, so that means that none of them are always home. I've had a maid since I was born so I've always grown closer to the maid compared to my parents. 

They always ask me, " Why are you so defensive about it if you never did it?". I AM A DEFENSIVE PERSON! That's just who i am. I am proud of the things I've done. I'm rather egotistical, so obviously i'll get annoyed whenever you tell others about my failures. Like how my mom would constantly tell others that I could have gone to express stream but instead I aimed for Normal Academic and that's why I'm in NA. 

My parents don't know how many times I've cried in my room because of them and of how much they don't even know their own daughter.  

I know it's kind of bad of me to post something like this on Mother's day, but my dad pretty much ruined my mood to help make this a wonderful mother's day celebration. 

I switched my phone off because I know nobody is really going to converse with me today. Neither will I receive a text nor a call. That kind of makes me feel so alone though... but it's a better excuse than to leave it on and get nothing.  

Waste of moolah!

*Sigh* look at the failed polaroid photos. That's $36 down the drain. It's so frustrating.
I shall buy a new packet next week and hopefully, i know what to do.
I've learnt to obstruct it from light. That i have to keep it in my pocket.
Do not shake it or bend it.
Let it develop with the photo facing the floor.
Store polaroids in a place of 13 d.c.

I was rushing to school today. I made the wrong decision to go to bedok and take 168. I arrived in Woodlands at 8.10a.m.

As I was rushing through the grass patches, I noticed something that made me smile. Since the grass patch was covered in dewdrops, when the sun rays hit them, it made them shine like diamonds. I was so tempted to stop and take a photo however I would be very very late if i did.  It was so beautiful and it made me smile like an insane person. While rushing through the grass patch, my eyes were constantly gazing on the ground. That's how I was able to notice it. 

In class, I asked around if anyone else has noticed the beauty of it and none of them has. It's such a pity that most people are so busy rushing to get somewhere or get things done that they don't even notice nature's ultimate beauty. Here's a tip guys, from time to time, stop and look around. You won't regret it. 

BOOM BAM BABY! 

Yea, I haven't been blogging here much at all. Reason is because i kind of lost my password for this blog. haha! shoot. I need to have a notebook for all of my passwords, so that I can keep track.

So many things has happened over the few weeks of Poly. I've made new friends, found out about different personalities, GOT AN A IN SCIENCE! (Though bio still sucks), and joined cheer leading!
I've realized that I have changed upon going to ILC, I've becoming more daring, more open and more of trying to be who I really am.
I'm done with the charade. I mean, why should I pretend to be someone I'm not? So yea.
After reading Danielle's blogpost, I felt so bad for losing the polaroid films. ahhh! Must write where all my items are now. MUST NOT LOSE THEM ANYMORE D: